10 Things To Take Into The Bunker Preparing For The Mayan Apocalypse
12 years ago

1. Kate Upton

She’s been storing up that winter weight for a while now, so you can start munching on her plentiful, marbled meat slabs when all other rations are exhausted. And until then, you can have a field day with those funbags.

2. N-64 with Mario Kart and two controllers

Let’s just assume your bunker is tricked out with electricity and a 50-inch flatty. What better way to pass the time than shooting red turtle shells up Luigi’s butt, and running Bowser’s fat ass off the road? Upton will likely suck at the game at first, but she’ll improve over time, and you might even let her win once in a while, in exchange for an intense procreation session.

3. Bean bag chair

Show me someone who hasn’t had the most comfortable experience of their life while ass-planted in one of those sweet bean bag chairs, and I’ll show you a damn liar. The only reason they’re not found in every room of every home in America is because they look like dorm room trash. But you’re in a bunker, so fuck it. Nobody but Kate will know, so your post-apocalyptic rep won’t be damaged.

4. Cocaine

If the food supply unexpectedly holds up for a lengthy amount of time, you have to find a way to get Kate Upton skinny again. A few ounces of pure Columbian bam-bam will accomplish this, and I hear it’s fun, too. Boom. Wired, skinny, and oh-so-sexy-pre-20 Kate Upton.

5. Dominoes

I don’t really care for the game, but hey, maybe Kate enjoys throwin’ some bones. The sweet thing about dominoes is that you can set them up all around the bunker to tip over, one after another. That has to be a nice little time killer.

6. Phil Collins Greatest Hits

You’ve gotta listen to some jams down in there to break the awkward silence, and everyone can get down to Phil. I don’t care who you are. His hits cover the whole mood spectrum. There is always a Phil song appropriate for the moment. Pretty sure Kate would dig this album, and you’ll get to feel her coming in the air tonight.

7. Comb

Personally, my bed head typically resides somewhere between complete chaos and “You look like absolute shit right now.” How am I supposed to work my Upton seductiveness with an unkempt mop on my head?

8. Jif™ Extra Crunchy

Gotta stock up on the greatest snack food this planet has ever seen. A spoon and a container of JEC, and you’ll be happy for hours — fuck it, months — just like a pig in slop. Be real. You’d walk around covered in that stuff if society would accept you. And when Kate and you get full off it, I’m sure you could use some to kink things up between the sheets a bit. Just hope she doesn’t down all of it when you’re not paying attention. You know, on account of the weight gain.

9. Mirrored Costas

Guys, you’re going to be locked in a tiny room with Kate Upton with no hope of leaving. Your eyes are going to be making love to her for the entirety of this miserable existence. Your eyes will be trading off from Mario Kart to Kate’s chesticles, then back to Mario Kart for a bit and right back to those Christmas hams. You still want to be a gentleman about it, though, you know? These lenses will hide your eyeballs.

10. The TFM Book

Totally kidding, guys. I’m not about to use this opportunity to cheaply and shamelessly plug the Total Frat Move Book. Hell, I don’t even like to read. I can barely read, in fact. If I had to crack a book while I was down in there, I’m not even sure if it’d be the TFM Book. The author actually offices right next to me, and he has weird hair.

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