19 Ways To Fuck With Your Ex-Girlfriend’s New Boyfriend

Dan Regester10 years ago

Breaking up is part of life. You chalk it up as a loss and move on, because there are countless other ladies who populate this earth. She’ll move on as well, whether it’s to a complete stranger, to that kid you hate in your econ class, or even to your best friend. You can be a completely civil adult about the matter and wish her the best of luck moving forward, or you can be a normal dude and rag on her new boyfriend whenever an opportunity presents itself. I choose to go with the latter. Here are 19 ways to fuck with your ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend.

1. Wait for him to order a drink, intercept it when the bartender serves it to him, and take a big swig to remind him you were there first.
2. Welcome him into your Eskimo brother lineage with the classic headlock-noogie combo while exclaiming, “This fucking guy!”
3. Say, “I put plenty of miles on her, but there should be some tread left on the tires,” while playfully elbowing him in the ribs.
4. Ask him if she’s still into an absurd sexual roleplaying activity that no girl would ever be into. When he looks disgusted, say, “Must’ve gotten it out of her system.”
5. Take a piss in the urinal next to him, look down at his junk, laugh, and say, “I guess you could call that a dick.”
6. Use his head as an armrest if he’s shorter than you.
7. Toss him a beer and say, “Sorry, I don’t have any Mike’s Hard Lemonades.”
8. “That thing she does with her tongue–so clutch, right? Yeah, you’re welcome.”
9. Give him totally fabricated advice: “She’s afraid to talk about anal, but she loves surprises.”
10. Offer to break down sex footage of the two of them, Jon Gruden QB Camp-style.
11. Change his ringtone to Ray J’s “I Hit It First.”
12. Give her a good ass slap in front of him and exclaim, “Not as tight as I remember.”
13. Flirt with his mom at parents’ weekend. The next day, proclaim, “Soon enough, you can call me Dad.”
14. Subscribe him to multiple wedding planning magazines under her address.
15. “Did she ever get that stain out of her mattress?”
16. Call him chief, ace, or slick, but never by his actual name.
17. Hire the biggest, craziest looking mofo to harass your ex and him so he looks like a complete pussy when he doesn’t defend her honor.
18. “It was actually her idea to put our video on PornHub.”
19. Talk to your ex, and when he approaches you two, put out your hand and exclaim, “Could you give us a minute, sport? That’s all I need.” Proceed to fire a wink in his direction.

Image via Imgur