20 Signs It’s Been Too Long Since You Hazed A Pledge
Here we are in late July, and you haven’t been around a pledge in months. You miss the pledges. You don’t miss them because you enjoy their company, obviously. You miss them because you haven’t hazed in so long. You have an itchy trigger finger, and it’s starting to show in your everyday life back at home.
These are 20 signs that it’s been too long since you hazed a pledge.
1. You’ve watched Road House 15 times so far this summer.
2. You suggested to your boss that wall sits and bows ‘n’ toes were adequate forms of punishment when interns show up late to work.
3. You can’t stop telling your 4-year-old brother to stop acting like a pussy.
4. You pump-faked your mailman for simply bringing mail up to your doorstep.
5. Living room practice swings with your air 7-iron have been replaced with actual paddle swings in the garage.
6. You continuously yell at the lawn guy, “Missed a spot!” when, in actuality, he hadn’t missed a single spot.
7. You haven’t done your laundry since summer began.
8. You yelled at your little brother for not finishing his cereal.
9. You sternly told the intern that was hired only one week after you, “You’re in my world now.”
10. After another intern asked for your help on an assignment, you responded, “Find a way.”
11. You had a dream that a pledge talked back to you so you could respond appropriately.
12. You had a nightmare that the pledges didn’t fuck up a single time all semester.
13. You make your little brother recite the alphabet, which he is still learning, in under 10 seconds.
14. You told your barber to stop eye-fucking you through the reflection in the mirror.
15. You abandoned leg days in the gym so you could double-up on your upper body paddle muscles.
16. You shoulder-checked an intern while passing him in the hallway.
17. Your shoe came untied one week after leaving school, and you refuse to retie it yourself.
18. You were asked by your mom to help your little brother learn how to swim, and you responded by tossing him in the pool and saying, “Figure it out.”
19. You got fired from your internship for lashing out at the sandwich delivery guy.
20. You told your entire family, while sitting at the dinner table enjoying a nice meal, “All of you chug like pussies.”
This is one of the BEST lists I have ever read in my entire life!!! Good work, Roger!
11 years ago at 5:18 pmWatch out SFPL, we may have a new list writer on our hands!!!!
Settle down, bub
11 years ago at 7:58 pm“You told your barber to stop eye-fucking you through the reflection in the mirror.” This is where I lost it.
11 years ago at 5:24 pmThanks, I was curious as to which one of those made you defecate down your cargos and into your New Balances
11 years ago at 5:57 pmNewbies are faf, you geed.
11 years ago at 7:00 pmI bet Dorn was the pledge that always fucked up.
11 years ago at 5:37 pmIn my experience no pledges can do things right
11 years ago at 9:09 pmYeah, but there was always that pledge that you put the blame on whenever you make them all do wall sits or bows and toes. Dorn was that kind of pledge.
11 years ago at 9:57 pmSomeone needs to come up with a 3 month pledgeship for the summer.
11 years ago at 5:40 pmThey’re called interns
11 years ago at 9:04 pmYou start hazing random people at the bar
11 years ago at 5:54 pmThat title photo is fantastic and I lost it at #9.
11 years ago at 7:56 pmGood stuff
Balanced Man > Pledging
Now make me an executive on this site!
11 years ago at 8:02 pmI thought you didn’t like hazing, Dillon.
11 years ago at 10:41 pmI wasn’t a hazer. This is true.
11 years ago at 9:41 amThat’s fair, but I love it. It’s better than cocaine.
11 years ago at 11:52 amTake a note from Letterman and minimize lists to 10 items.
11 years ago at 3:19 amI was going to write a sarcastic comment but fuck, this column sucked ass Dorn. I expect better than some SFPL bullshit. After reading this if you were on fire I would not even piss on you to extinguish the flames. *insert joke about Dorn being a flaming homosexual*
11 years ago at 1:52 am