2014 Wife Mock Draft
11 years ago

Amanda Tanner

19

School: University of Colorado
Hometown: Sacramento, California
House: Top-tier
Major: Psychology
GPA: 3.3
Hair color: Brunette
Height: 5′5”
Weight: 125 lbs.

Pros:
– An absolute stunner. Consistent ability to stop you dead in your tracks.
– Family owns house in Lake Tahoe.
– Alternate for the US Olympic Skiing team in Sochi.
– Her upside is tremendous. Serious commitment to her body.
– Well rounded. Great singer, philanthropist. drinker.

Cons:
– California liberal.
– Sells Advocare products on Facebook, but she actually makes money off of it, so I guess it’s not that much of a con.
– YouTube video of her twerking on CU football’s waterboy has 17,000 views.
– Parents have producer credits on two Michael Moore documentaries.
– Tends to overdo it when it comes to PDA.

Projected: Mid-2nd Round

Outlook: If you can look past her personal opinions on government, she’s going to be a tremendous pick. She’s going to be a generous, giving wife on and off the field, if you get what I mean. Tremendous spirit and incredibly passionate. She would be a first round candidate any other year, but with a class this deep, Tanner falls to the second round because of her political belief system.

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  2. StarShieldandLamp

    Why do none of the pictures match up with their descriptions? The picture for “Fat Liz”, come on really?

    11 years ago at 8:19 am
  5. AllAmericanIV

    Mel Kiper Jr.: I’m going to be honest here, Bacon, it’s looking like a weak draft this year in my opinion. Lot of hyped up talent coming from weak conferences and weak schedules that some of these young ladies couldn’t even get through without contracting some season ending injury, in Goodman’s case syphilis. She’s out of the discussion. Truth be told most of these girls aren’t even on my Big Board, Bacon. In addition to that, only two girls, in my opinion, pass the basic eye test; those two being King and Grant. It’s such a weak draft, with my money I’m not feeling comfortable signing a contract that if things so south I could be signing over half of my franchise in a few years, most of this talent just ain’t going to cut it for me.

    However in my mind there’s one wild card that I haven’t heard a whole lot of hype around this draft: It’s Dorn’s mom, Bacon. Don’t get me wrong, a little seasoned, a little more experienced than this other so called “talent.” That’s where I’m putting my money she’s got a solid presence coming through the door, loves the sack more than a young Michael Strahan, tenacious, hits the gym when she needs to, very easy to negotiate the pre-nup with, in college she was more than once introduced to the no-cuddle offense. There’s talk around the league of her interest in entering the draft again, if it were my money and I wanted a safe, low risk, hard working- give me a good effort in the sack seven nights a week pic you know who I’m picking. Dorn’s Mom, flying low under the radar, solid all the way around- she’s well put together for me, to be a top 5 pick. You’d be hard pressed, to convince me otherwise.

    11 years ago at 2:54 pm
  7. TFM Lawman

    King projected as a third rounder??? She may have played against sub-par talent in Division III, but an ass like that doesn’t come around very often. I’m going to go out on a limb and say she’s going to be the steal of the draft.

    11 years ago at 4:43 pm
  8. Fratrick Callahan

    Seriously?…why even bring canada (see girl #6) to the table? I bet you have beiber fever too, ya choad.

    11 years ago at 5:32 pm
  10. kappakaapakray

    KAPPA
    School: Cornell
    Hometown: Jersey
    House: Upper/Middle Party House
    Major: Finance-y stuff
    GPA: 3.5
    Hair color: Brunette
    Height: 5′10″
    Weight: 125 lbs

    Pros:
    – Fitness obsessed and gluten & dairy free, so will never get fat
    – Prefers whiskey and spiced rum above all else
    – Doesn’t care for sports but will dress in your team’s attire and make your friends themed cocktails
    – Thinks blowjobs are actually kind of fun
    – Will (hopefully) rake in the $$$
    – Likes being alone, so go out with the boys all you want

    Cons:
    – From Jerz
    – Swears
    – Neat freak
    – Better at math than you
    – Stepdaddy issues
    – Probably will never be Kate Upton

    11 years ago at 4:23 pm
    1. Costa Vision

      Sure, I’ll give it a shot. On one condition, all this “free” diet shit has me worried so I need to know you can eat a steak. Vegetarians creep me out.

      11 years ago at 1:08 pm