The 2017 Lacrosse All-Name Team Is Full Of A+ Danglers With Fresh Heads Of Lettuce

Jared Borislow9 years ago

When I was an intern at TFM 2+ years ago, Bacon told me that my last name, “Borislow,” was a combination of the words “boring” and “slow.” This sent me on a downward spiral. “Why didn’t you pick a cool new last name when you immigrated to America, great great great grandpa Borispolsky?!” I could often be found screaming in my cubicle. “Cockworth. Tabasco. Hotboy. Something FUN!” I’m still recovering, but I’m getting better every day after coming to terms with my surname’s permanence over a Raising Cane’s Box Combo seven months back.

The young men of the Inside Lacrosse All-Name Team never got so unlucky. These guys were privileged enough from birth to enjoy lives of peb tossing, top titty/upper left cheese snipes, and spicy twigs all because their parents chose to give them incredible names reminiscent of the opulence and affluence of the American industrial revolution. If I could only go back in time and slap my mom’s doctor in the face for ever suggesting “Jared” to her…

From Inside Lacrosse:

FIRST TEAM
A – Shackleford Stanwick, Jr., Johns Hopkins
A – Keyveat Postell, Fr. Penn
A – Bear Altemus, Sr., Princeton
M – IV Stucker, Jr., Roanoke
M – Brickman House, Sr., Utica
M – Griffin Woodfinlevine, Sr., Montclair State
D – Sky Dupree, Fr., North Greenville
D – Coy Broderick, So., Hanover
D – Braylen Sampson, Jr., Byrant
G – Fitzhugh Lee, So., Air Force

He’s a Brick(man)… House. That guy must’ve been conceived while a Commodores album was playing.

SECOND TEAM
A – Tate Beason, Sr., Florida Tech
A – Blaine Stottlar, Sr., Lees-McRae
A – Robbie Betchley III, Sr., Furman
M – Brewster Warble, Fr., Brown
M – Broderick Vitalie, So., Holy Cross
M – Holden Rosen Grupp, Jr., Tufts
D – Alistair Berven, Sr., Princeton
D – Rich Mix, Jr., Benedictine
D – Stone Sims, Jr., Albany

Alistair Berven sounds like the bad guy in a book about the plight of urchin chimney sweeps.

THIRD TEAM
A – Breanainn McNeally, Sr., RPI
A – Jameson Buttafuoco, Fr., Bryant
A – Declan Swartwood, Fr., St. John’s
M – Cougar Kirby, Fr. Albany
M – Greyson Torain, So., Navy
M – Joseph Joseph, Jr., York
D – Dallas Creamer, Jr., Stevens
D – Conn Curry, Jr., Roanoke
D – Winston Wenham, Jr., Ithaca
G – Viper Scheele, Fr., Bryant

Cougar Kirby and Joseph Joseph got shafted with their third team selections. Second team, minimum for those monikers.

I wonder what absurd names this year’s fraternity all-name team will bring….

[via Inside Lacrosse]

Image via YouTube