24-Hour Diners Are A Late Night Godsend

Wally Bryton7 years ago

So it’s a Saturday night. Maybe you just went to a trashy party or perhaps you just got done bar hopping with a few dumbass buddies in a failed attempt to crawl into a mami’s jeans and disappoint her for 2-3 heavenly minutes. Either way, it was a dope ass night but the festivities are winding down. You took more shots to the head than John Lennon and you’re starting to feel sick. Did John Lennon get shot in the head? And even if he did, was it more than one shot? I have no idea. I don’t have the time or patience to do research for my tasteless, hacky, untimely jokes.

Either way, you’re starting to feel hungrier than a supermodel preparing for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show (the “secret” is no carbs, unfortunately). You’re on the lookout for some good grub to soak up some of the alcohol lingering in your stomach and hopefully make your upcoming hangover at least a little less torturous.

So what should you do? Go home and just crash? Hell no. That’s gonna make your hangover even worse if you don’t eat something. At least eat a single peanut or a dead bug or something. But what are you gonna eat? Should you warm up some top ramen in the microwave when you stumble home? Fuck that noise. Should you get some late night Taco Bell and try out that new Dorito Chocolate Bacon Twinkie Bloodfart Burrito Deluxe Supreme™? Not on my watch. You’ll have diarrhea for 14 business days minimum. No ramen, no tacos, no late night sandwiches or whatever stupid idea is permeating your intoxicated noggin.

My friend, you need to go a late night diner. As soon as humanly possible. 24-hour diners are an American institution and a gift from Jesus and Yeezus Christ themselves. 24-hour diners are magical palaces of inexplicable euphoria for a laundry list of reasons that I don’t even have time to fully delve into. But one of the main reasons is because 24-hour diners are the BEST possible places for late night drunken food.

Diners are Mecca for drunken twenty-somethings that desperately need some carbs to fend off their headaches. And diners have everything. Breakfast food at a diner is always my personal favorite choice, and it’s the best idea for a meal when it comes to soaking up all the booze in your body. But nevertheless, diners have every type of food under the sun. Breakfast food, spaghetti, steak, burgers, chicken, soup, lobster, deer meat, dead iguanas, margaritas made with the blood of virgins that were sacrificed for the devil. The list goes on and on and on.

When you’re drunk, 24-hour diners are like heaven but better..

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