25 Move-In Day Power Moves
9 years ago

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  1. Blast Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin’” when you pull up to the dorm in a minivan with your family.
  2. When lifting furniture, pop off your top and grunt violently.
  3. Ask a hot mom what her major is.
  4. Make sure a stack of whey protein and workout supplements with aggressive names like “X-Plode” or “Muscle Holocaust” are clearly visible on a shelf.
  5. Bring back a girl on the first night. Leave the lights on. When you’re close to the finale, get your roommate’s attention and make eye contact as you climax.
  6. Start showering in the hall bathroom while the floor is still packed with parents and young children. Leave your clothes and towel in your room.
  7. When carrying in your stuff, “accidentally” drop a box of Magnum condoms in front of a hot chick.
  8. Ask the hall advisor, “These ‘rules’ you put up are more suggestions, right?”
  9. Ask the hall advisor, “So, what made you want to be a hall advisor? Couldn’t find any friends your own age to live with?”
  10. Make a shank out of soap and leave it on your desk.
  11. Have your roommate help you carry your bed. Say, “Here is good,” when you reach the middle of the room.
  12. Trip a kid wearing a beanie.
  13. Sarcastically tell your hall mate you’ve never seen a Bob Marley poster like his before.
  14. Rip an exit sign off the ceiling.
  15. Walk into your dorm room, open your laptop, and start furiously masturbating in front of your roommate.
  16. Take a cup of ramen noodles out of the microwave and immediately hand it to a girl. Ask her, “Can you take the heat?”
  17. Find a dad with a hot daughter lifting something heavy. Tell him, “Easy there, chief,” and take over.
  18. Pour a bunch of Plan B pills into a bowl and put it on your bed stand.
  19. Every dorm has a joke sign that says “Please refrain from clogging the shower drains with semen.” Make it happen.
  20. Find a post on the hall bulletin board advertising abstinence that shows college kids studying or doing yoga or some shit. Print out a “Brazzers” logo and tape it in the corner.
  21. Stand next to a girl in line for food at the dining hall. When she reaches for a slice of cake, say, “Really?”
  22. Ask the dorm cafeteria lady scooping food how much protein is in each item.
  23. Establish dominance by peeing on your roommate’s stuff.
  24. Spark up a J in your dorm room. If your roommate tells you to take it outside, look at him, say, “Sure thing, bud,” then continue to smoke.
  25. Hang a giant American flag on the far wall to cover up your roommate’s lame-ass Dr. Who poster.

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