25 Ways Flappy Bird Is Like Sex
If you’ve had the internet over the past week, inevitably you’ve heard about Flappy Bird, a new mobile game that combines Super Mario-inspired graphics with the no room for error punishment of old school video games. Yeah it’s fun, but that’s not why it’s popular. Stressful, impossible to master, infuriating, and yet still addictive, people love it because it reminds them of sex.
Here’s how:
1. Keeping it up is infinitely more difficult when you’re drunk.
2. …and when you can’t, you’ll scream at it.
3. Those who haven’t tried it will probably try to downplay it.
4. …but after your first time you can’t get enough.
5. Girls are also into it, but you wonder how much in comparison.
6. Once you start, there’s no stopping until you collapse.
7. You get a solid rhythm going until you get too excited.
8. …but a steady and consistent beat will get it where you want it to go.
9. If you don’t dip deeply enough, you won’t get anywhere.
10. You can’t last more than a few seconds at first.
11. You’d like to think you last longer than most people.
12. You can’t be afraid to dive face first.
13. It’s both flappy and really hard.
14. It has one eye.
15. You have to slip it in a tight space.
16. The closer to 18, the more nervous you get.
17. My record so far is 31.
18. You brag to your friends about it after.
19. A bunch of losers online lie about their number.
20. Practice makes perfect.
21. …or leads to frustration-induced apathy.
22. If you finish before you want, you’ll probably get pissed off.
23. …but you can always try again.
24. It’s better when you’re not with your girlfriend.
25. …or wearing a condom.
26. It’s over too quickly.
11 years ago at 9:45 amHah, how did I miss that?
11 years ago at 10:13 am55 checking in, come at me!
11 years ago at 9:50 amso you’re the douche that lies about his number online.
11 years ago at 10:36 amPeople are just butthurt that we are better than them
11 years ago at 11:06 amI was thinking at first SFPL wrote this and reluctant to click it, but then I realized there’s no way he’s had sex before so it was probably worth the read.
11 years ago at 9:50 am121. I’m proud of my number, but ashamed at the same time
11 years ago at 9:54 am67 is my record.
11 years ago at 11:17 amI expected more from your columns.
11 years ago at 9:54 amSome are for the art, some are for the money
11 years ago at 9:57 am27. When it’s being a real bitch you allow the closest person to take your place and finish the job.
11 years ago at 9:58 am“Hold up,” Gokies said, pulling out and putting his phone to his ear. The girl squirmed beneath him on the sheets, a look of confusion replacing one of pleasure on her face. “Hey, Johnny, what’s up? Yeah. No, I’m having sex. Yeah, it’s with Katie, she’s right here. Yeah. Listen, hey, she’s being a real bitch right now and I just don’t feel like finishing. Think you could come over and take my place?”
11 years ago at 10:19 amI’m not above pulling a few 2s when I can’t get a 9.
11 years ago at 10:04 amDownvoted or not, I laughed
11 years ago at 10:14 am26. it sounds like a lot more fun than it often turns out to be
11 years ago at 10:41 amI think that’s a sign you’re doing it wrong
11 years ago at 11:13 amI spent my college years as a “quantity over quality” kinda guy, so i think that might explain it
11 years ago at 11:42 am26. You have to aim between two tubes.
11 years ago at 11:05 amShouldn’t you be at recess Detweiler?
11 years ago at 5:39 pmYou are as proud of your high score as your kill count.
11 years ago at 11:06 am