27 Ways To Cope With A Completely Hopeless Football Season
11 years ago

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  1. It doesn’t matter if your rival is playing San Diego Bumfuck University for the Blind and the Deaf this week–you’re going to cheer for them with all of your heart.
  2. Create a dynasty in NCAA Football 2005 on your PS2, play on the easiest difficulty, and win nine consecutive championships.
  3. Black out before every game to ensure you won’t remember the frustration.
  4. Terrify opposing fans’ children every chance you get. That way, at least someone in the stadium will actually be afraid of your team.
  5. Sneak as much booze as possible into the stadium. Worst case scenario, you get an excuse to miss the game if you get kicked out.
  6. Say, “there’s always next year,” while secretly praying for a devastating apocalypse to ensure that you never have to live through another season like this one.
  7. Completely forget the fact that ESPN exists.
  8. Insist that if you hadn’t torn your ACL senior year, you’d have totally started this year and that things would be a lot different.
  9. Create a Facebook group dedicated to firing your current coach.
  10. End every sports-related argument with, “it’s okay, we’re a basketball school,” even if that isn’t the case.
  11. Impress girls by telling them you’ve been offered a walk-on spot as the starting quarterback due to your intramural performance.
  12. Invite the football team to every Friday night party. It’s not like a hangover could make them any worse.
  13. Even if it was more than 20 years ago, always make a point to mention your team’s last successful season.
  14. Brag about your school’s superior academic standards, even though literally no one gives a shit.
  15. Create a change.org petition begging Obama to bench your pathetic starting quarterback.
  16. Blame the band.
  17. Blame the cheerleaders.
  18. Blame your starting quarterback’s mother for bringing such evil into the world.
  19. Lock yourself in your room on game day, because nobody likes seeing a grown man cry.
  20. Treat every minor win like a Super Bowl victory. Burning couches is encouraged.
  21. Brag about how good your women’s volleyball team is this season.
  22. Thoroughly research if there’s any possibility that your five-star 2017 commit could start playing a few years early.
  23. Focus all of your social media attention on how well your best alumnus performs every week in the NFL.
  24. Create sarcastic Heisman trophy campaigns for your most aggravating player.
  25. Play Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” on repeat at every tailgate, and let the haters hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
  26. Leave every game before you get a chance to sober up.
  27. Always remember: it isn’t alcoholism if your team is under .500.
  2. PornChair

    Well there’s a minute of my life I’ll never get back. If you give a million monkeys a million typewriters, they might make Shakespeare in a million years, but they’ll make SFPL articles in about 30 seconds

    11 years ago at 5:04 pm
      2. Capitalist_Gentleman

        “Getting a job at Buzzfeed is actually harder than you’d expect”.
        That line got you 300 upvotes. It only works once.

        11 years ago at 6:26 pm
      4. StarShieldandLamp

        ^ That’s because High School tryhards like you up vote every list he’s ever made.

        11 years ago at 9:30 am
      5. MrStealDornsMom

        Shut the fuck up you imbecile you probably don’t even understand his reference, (infinite monkey theorem), because you are a fucking moron who got shitty grades at a shitty college and that is why you write stupid fucking lists for a living.

        11 years ago at 10:45 pm
      7. StuffFratPeopleLike

        I hope the “97” in your email address doesn’t refer to the year you were born. That would be pretty depressing.

        11 years ago at 12:47 pm
      2. MrStealDornsMom

        Fuck you man we hate your stupid fucking lists. You may think we are kidding or our comments are just “poking fun”, but to the tfm reader everything you have done in your entire life is annoying as shit. Reading your lists gives me the feeling of when I take a huge, messy shit and I run out of toilet paper but there is still shit on my ass. You are the shit I can’t wipe off my ass

        11 years ago at 10:55 pm
      3. RisingFratstarOfTX

        You’re still overdoing it, champ. Ease off the throttle before coming back.

        11 years ago at 1:40 pm
      4. crowan

        Seems like SFPL’s suspicion about your birthdate being in 1997 is a bit more plausible…

        11 years ago at 1:56 pm
  5. Simple_C

    I feel like this is written for the South Carolina fans, and that’s coming from one. It’s been a very long and disappointing season.

    11 years ago at 5:23 pm
  6. Rum_Ham

    How about someone writes a list like this called “27 Ways to Cope with Reading Anything SFPL Posts”

    11 years ago at 5:29 pm
  7. KalebPeak

    As an LSU fan, I feel like this is directed to me. Always next year… Alllwaaayys next year…

    11 years ago at 5:42 pm
  8. Siri_am_I_frat

    ┓┏┓┏┓┃Michigan Football!!!!
    ┛┗┛┗┛┃＼○／
    ┓┏┓┏┓┃ /
    ┛┗┛┗┛┃ノ)
    ┓┏┓┏┓┃
    ┛┗┛┗┛┃
    ┓┏┓┏┓┃
    ┛┗┛┗┛┃
    ┓┏┓┏┓┃
    ┃┃┃┃┃┃
    ┻┻┻┻┻┻

    11 years ago at 5:49 pm
  10. Bill_Brasky

    All y’all think your seasons couldn’t get any worse.. It definitely can. Go SMU.

    11 years ago at 8:44 pm
  11. Thad_Castle

    As I Purdue fan with years of experience on this issue, I’ve found that a combination of 3 and 5 work the best.

    11 years ago at 9:11 pm