3 Patriotic Jungle Juices Guaranteed to Get You In The Revolutionary Spirit

Doctor Franzia9 years ago

“There cannot be good living where there is not good drinking.” – Benjamin Franklin

Many of the most pivotal moments leading up to the birth of the American Revolution happened over lots of alcohol, meaning “getting so plastered you change the world” is truly the oldest and most American of traditions. Here are three patriotic Jungle Juices guaranteed to get you in the spirit of freedom.

The Boston Tea Party

Ready to get your revolutionary buzz going? This is a sweet, charged mix that pairs Everclear, Disaronno, and Black Velvet Reserve with southern-style sweet tea and Dr. Pepper for some fiz. You’re going to turn that harbor into the biggest cup of whiskey tea in history.

Mix at least 10 ounces of Everclear with corresponding shots of Disaronno and Black-Out Velvet in a 5 gallon Gatorade cooler or Home Depot bucket with lid for portability. This should give you 30 fl. oz. of alcohol to about 1.8 gallons of mix. The mix should be primarily made up of Southern-style sweet tea (Arizona 2-gal is the best value) with a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper.

Makes about 2 gallons (double recipe to fill container).

Dilution Factor: 10 percent.
Freedom Score: 5 out of 5 Righteous Bald Eagles.

The Shot Heard Round the World

If you’re not blasted yet, get things going with a real bang. This is a spicy shot-for-shot cannonball that features Bacardi 151, Lucid absinthe, and Jägermeister paired with Red Bull, ginger ale, and a splash of hibiscus syrup and some pineapple juice because “Give me liberty or give me death.”

You’re going to need a 64 oz. growler. Start with twin 8.4 oz cans of Red Bull and twin ginger beers. You’re going to want the best for this. Brave the nearest Whole Foods and fight off the veg-ginas until you emerge victorious with a case of Reed’s Ginger Brew. Add a little bit of pure pineapple juice and a spoonful of hibiscus syrup to take you to about 40 oz. of mix. That will leave you with 24 sweet oz. to add 6 shots of Jäger, and 5 each of the 151 and Lucid. Swirl, swish, and pass the growler around until you’re done. I don’t recommend doing this with less than 8 people, but America was out-gunned and out-manned and we still came out on top. By the time you’re done with this powder keg, you’ll be seeing the whites of everyone’s eyes.

Makes 64 oz.

Dilution Factor: 40+ pecent.
Freedom Score: 1 out of 1 Weeping Thomas Paines.

Thirteen Stars

As the bombs burst and the rockets glare red in the summer sky, it’s time to unite the colonies. This final mix is a smooth, sipping punch to be enjoyed by all. Fill up your cups, lock arms, and give a rousing toast to all our freedoms.

Add three shots for each of the thirteen colonies in a large bowl in the following order: Bacardi Superior White (Delaware), Amaretto (Pennsylvania), Everclear (New Jersey), Peach Schnapps (Georgia), Disaronno (Connecticut), Dewars (Massachusetts), Pinnacle Whipped (Maryland), Jose Cuervo Silver (South Carolina), Absolut (New Hampshire), Black Velvet Reserve (Virginia), Hennessy V.S. (New York), Midnight Moon (North Carolina), Beefeater Gin (Rhode Island).

Mix with a generous portion of tropical fruit punch from concentrate and Minute Maid Cranapple Raspberry juice and call it a night. You’ve earned it. God Bless America.

Makes about 5 gallons.

Dilution Factor: 5-8 percent.

Freedom Score: 56 out of 56 Signers of the motherfucking Declaration of Independence..