3 Things To Never Wear To A Sporting Event

ItalianStallion7 years ago

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise: the best place to watch sporting events is in person. “Why would I pay all that money to sit in shitty seats when I can watch it at home with a beer in my hand?” my dumbass friend always says. No great sports story starts with, “I was home watching it on my flat screen when…;” they all start with being there and watching it in person. It doesn’t matter if those seats are in the upper deck, nosebleeds, bleachers, or boxes; nothing beats seeing it with your own two eyes.

When you go to a game in person, you’re stuck watching it with 20,000+ people you’re either going to love or hate. Sports fans are some of the most unique, interesting, and aggravating people on earth, and one thing I’ve learned is that what they wear says a lot about them. Here are three things you should never wear to a sporting event if you don’t want me and people like me to instantly judge you.

An Unrelated Jersey

The number one thing people wear to sporting events is obviously team jerseys. However, there’s a special group of people that decide, “Let me wear a completely unrelated jersey instead.”

Sometimes I don’t understand their logic. For example, if you’re at a New York Giants game, don’t walk around wearing a Colorado Rockies baseball jersey. If you do, you just look like someone who got lost on the way to the wrong game.

Even worse than these clueless fucks are the jerkoffs who purposely wear a different jersey. For example, I’m a diehard New Jersey Devils fan, and at every single game I’ve ever been to there have been at least five fuckers who think they’re funny by wearing a New York Rangers jersey. I’m not talking about when they play the Rangers, either; I mean the Devils could be playing some random team like the Dallas Stars and there are still gonna be a few slapdicks walking around in Lundqvist jerseys. Go watch your overpriced hockey at Madison Square Garden, assholes.

Dress Clothes

It doesn’t matter if it’s the dead of winter or the middle of summer; there always seems to be a group of people walking around in dress clothes like they’re at their 9-to-5 job. Why do they do this? Because in most cases, they’re at their 9-to-5 job. Wearing a shirt and tie to a sporting event just screams “I’m here for work.” Maybe you work for the team, or maybe your boss got a suite at a baseball game as an “office team building” activity or some bullshit. Even though you don’t care about the Mets, Brewers, or whoever’s playing, the tickets are free so you go anyway. You sit back, get just the right amount of drunk that’s socially acceptable amongst work peers, and pretend you’re interested in your boss’ story about meeting Keith Hernandez.

Needless to say, these folks don’t want to be wearing their work clothes; they have to. If you elect to wear dress clothes to a sporting event, you’re a huge chach.

Costumes

Sure, you thought showing up to the ballgame in one of those inflatable T-Rex costumes would get you on the jumbotron. You thought everyone would look up, laugh, and be like, “How original!” Middle-aged soccer moms playing chaperone for kids’ little league teams will think it’s the most hysterical thing they’ve ever seen.

It was all fun at the beginning of the game. Now it’s halftime and you’re schlepping around the arena in a half-deflated dinosaur outfit. You want to sit down, but there’s not enough room for you to fit in your seat. A guy tries to squeeze past you with a tray full of beers, but one of your stubby T-Rex arms knocks it over and it spills all over the lady in the row in front of you. Even worse, if your team loses you have to make the miserable walk of shame out of the stadium still in your stupid outfit.

Save yourself and ditch the costume at home..