31 Annoying Things You’ll Hear As House Manager
9 years ago

homer

One semester, I was quickly thrust into the office of house manager when the acting one suddenly had to move away. The office wasn’t incredibly difficult, but it was incredibly annoying. Below, I’ve compiled a list of some of the very most annoying things I heard as house manager.

1. “You’re going to have to unclog the urinal. There are dip pouches in it.”

2. “I can’t clean right now. I have homework!”

3. “Our alumni advisor is rolling through in 15 minutes, so we need to get this place looking spotless.”

4. “Come on, we need at least three-ply toilet paper. What is this, a fucking crack house?”

5. “The fire department came by earlier, and they said we’re currently in violation of 26 fire ordinances.”

6. “I’m going to have to cut your budget by 20%. Try to make it work.”

7. “I know we cut your budget, but can we find a way to get a new pool table in here?”

8. “I’m allergic to this laundry detergent. Can you get a different one?”

9. “Yo, Danny punched another hole in the wall last night.”

10. “Someone puked on our speakers. They’re ruined.”

11. “Someone puked on the pool table and we need to get it re-felted.”

12. “Someone puked everywhere. Just everywhere.”

13. “So a giant bubble formed on the ceiling during that rainstorm, and someone drunkenly popped it. We need new carpets because the mold smell is getting unbearable.”

14. “I’m pretty sure the basement spiders have evolved. They’re looking a lot bigger these days.”

15. “We need to scrape the ice off the deck. Marshall slipped on it and is currently out cold.”

16. “I don’t know, man. It was already broken when I got here!”

17. “I’m really, really sorry, but I think I may have salted part of the lawn when I was blacked out last night.”

18. “A raccoon got into the kitchen and that fucker must have been hungry!”

19. “I’m going to need you to stretch your budget for another week. Just water down the cleaning solution.”

20. “I rounded the corner a little too quickly into the parking lot and possibly took out a few fence posts.”

21. “Was that a drop of water I just felt? You might want to go check that out.”

22. “Can you call about the boiler getting looked at? It says here that it was last inspected in 1993.”

23. “Dude, what the fuck? We’re out of toilet paper! Oh, there’s plenty more in the cupboard? Never mind.”

24. “Sorry, man, we had shitty dues collection this month. It’s going to come out of your budget.”

25. “Can’t we get a bigger house?”

26. “Would it really cost that much to add a new level to the house?”

27. “It definitely smells like a dead cat in the basement. Yeah, that’s dead cat if I ever smelled it.”

28. “The washer made all my clothes pink. We need a new one.”

29. “It can’t be that hard to be house manager.”

30. “When can we get a new TV? Like an 80-inch, curved 4k one.”

31. “We got a foot of snow last night. Can you get a crew to help shovel it?”

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  3. InHoc04

    Based on the quality of his articles, I can see why they would dump a position on House Manager on WJ Cope…

    9 years ago at 3:10 pm
  4. Shirtless_Bandit

    The unsung hero of E Board man. Spent a year as it, my favorite memory was the time we got pounded with lake effect snow and the oil drain plug fell off the snowblower as I was running it. I shut it down and ran to the hardware store to pick up a new one and a couple quarts of oil, and when I got back it was gone. Then an older brother who lived at the senior house called, told me he borrowed it to clear their driveway, and it had siezed. So now I had to hunt down a motor on Craigslist and swap it out so that people could get to class. Fuck Michigan, and fuck idiots that think it’s a good idea to run something that’s sitting in a pool of it’s own oil.

    9 years ago at 4:04 pm