4 Reasons All Beer Should Be Consumed In Shotgun Form

PHD in Day Drinking12 years ago

The world wasn’t ready for what was about to happen on the morning of January 20, 1981. Ronald Reagan, one of America’s most beloved sons, was delivering his inaugural address as millions watched in their living rooms, glued to their televisions. Reagan spoke of change, of hope, and mostly of patriotism. This is what every American was so desperately searching for since a rabid confederate lunatic shot Abraham Lincoln from behind, like a little bitch. America’s wildest dreams were finally coming true.

As Reagan finished his address to the nation, the world began to daydream about his first term. How would he assert himself as the Anakin Skywalker of the United States, our savior of sorts? Would he bomb every foreign nation? Would he deflower every young virgin on her eighteen birthday as kings of the middle ages did before him? No, Reagan showed the nation he had his own swagger and didn’t need violence or sexual prowess to define himself. As he walked off stage and approached his new right hand man, George Bush Sr., they made a quick exchange with him with a slight of hand and a customary handshake. The reporters covering the event were all asking themselves the same question: “What did Bush just hand him?” The crowd found out seconds later when Reagan held a Keystone up to the crowd, shoved a knife into the side of the can, and proceeded to pour every ounce of the precious liquid down his gullet faster than any other mortal could drink such a quantity of fluid. As he licked his lips and wiped the foam from the corners of his presidential grin, he once again addressed the crowd. His next words would go down in American history.

“Gentlemen, I give you the shotgun!”

So, besides the shotgun being the official drink of Ronald Reagan, what is it about this drinking style that is so brilliant, you ask? Here are the top 4 reasons all beer should be consumed in shotgun form:

1. You get fucking hammered.

The faster you consume, the drunker you will get it. It’s science. Other than the beer bong, which requires you to be armed with a piece of equipment other than your can, the shotgun is the fastest way to consume a brew known to man. Shotgun enough beers, and you will get shit-hammered sloppy drunk. It is inevitable, and it is awesome.

2. It is 100% inconspicuous.

A true man doesn’t booze for the attention, he does it to loosen his inhibitions and get weird with women. When you think of shotgunning, you think of a group of people shouting at two dudes racing to finish their beers. This is often the case, but if you think about it, shotgunning could be the most inconspicuous form of beer consumption. Hone your skills as a master shotgunner, and it shouldn’t take more than a couple seconds to inhale a beer and move on with your day. Hell, you could do it anywhere.

3. There is nothing more manly than winning a shotgun race.

Shotgunning speed is the pride of every reasonable fraternity man in the land. Instead of arguing with some GDI about politics, challenge his ass to a shotgun race. After you wipe the floor with him, you can beat your chest, wipe your mouth, take his girlfriend, and sleep peacefully knowing you have irrevocably ruined his life.

4. Shotgunning is more American than Kentucky Fried Chicken and Old Glory combined.

What is more American than drinking beer in mass quantities and giving zero fucks? Most Africans would murder their first child for a bottle of water. Here in America we take our water, add hops, and ferment that shit. That’s what America is all about, alcohol in glutinous quantities. And if you think otherwise than return to your native Canada you socialist bastard.