4 Themed Bar Concepts That Need To Exist Right Now

Doctor Franzia7 years ago

I love themed bars. I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Yes, I’m the kind of person that puts way more energy than necessary into costume parties, and I still actually enjoy a trip to Disneyland/Universal Studios as an adult. Does that make me kind of a lame? That’s just like your opinion, man.

The whole reason you go out and spend your money to get blasted drunk instead of putting it into a Roth IRA like you should is to briefly escape to a world that’s more interesting than your bleak, miserable existence. If you’re going to get drunk, is it too much to ask to get loaded in a place a little bit more exciting than your standard, vaguely Irish dive bar? I don’t think so.

But themed bars need to step up their game, because honestly most of them are trash. Here are four themed bar concepts that somebody with some money needs to get off their ass and run with.

1. A Real Pirate Ship Bar

When I was studying abroad (humblebrag), I went to this little Dutch town outside of Amsterdam and in the center of the city they had an 18th-century wooden sailing ship anchored along the river. Inside its bowels, the Dutch had installed a fully functional pancake restaurant. The name of this establishment was Pannekoeker Schipf — which translates to “Pancake Ship.” This wasn’t some fake Rainforest Cafe pirate ship shit. This was a real, seaworthy vessel lovingly restored and outfitted to serve pancakes.

Now imagine if that griddle had been replaced with a bar instead. If I’m going to chug rum out of a coconut, I damn well want to do it on the open ocean, the sea swelling beneath my feet. I googled “pirate ship bar” and quite a few of them do exist (mostly in the Caribbean), but every single one is a poor, campy reproduction of the real thing.

Get your shit together, pirate ship bar industry. I want to smell the real bite of the salt and scurvy as I take my Captain shots.

Closest You’re Going to Get:

Undertow (Phoenix, AZ). A truly decent themed bar with very high quality mixed drinks.

2. Private Jet Themed Bar

Ever been on a private jet before? I have (not so humble brag), and it was fucking amazing — at least until the TSA guys dragged me off. There is no better place to get drunk than a private jet. It’s like a limo in the sky, except with full-size leather couches, a bar, stewardesses, and a shower in some of them. Plus, you are literally so far above the unwashed masses below that you might as well be in a different world. Besides the truly top-shelf alcohol they have onboard, the only thing sweeter is the smug sense of superiority you’ll sip on and you really can’t put a price on that.

So I’m thinking of bottling this concept and creating a perfect reproduction of a high-end biz jet cabin but on the ground. Make it reservation only, limit it to 15 people per hour, and get the real couches. Sure, Embraer will charge $15 million to build out the interior of one of these things, but come on, you can get a couple of convincing airplane couches fabricated for way less than that.

Maybe you’re not actually soaring high above the clouds in a silver tube of pure elitism, but at least the people on Instagram will think you are.

Closest You’re Going To Get:

Air Force Plein Bar (Milan, Italy). It’s cool, but nobody is going to believe you’re actually in a private jet at this place. You’re going to have to do better, Italy.

3. An Actually Decent Indoor Beach Bar

The best thing about going on vacation in a tropical place is getting blitzed drunk on tequila shots and then diving right into the ocean like a magnificent shimmering dolphin that loves the water and hates sobriety. Where I live, it’s cold and rains all year round. Because I’m always spending my money on liquor, I can never afford to leave this perennially freezing fog, but I yearn for the ability to get wasted somewhere warm and wet. For me, the only option is for somebody to make one indoors.

Beach bars are a dime a dozen (I’m looking at you, Beaches) even the “real sand” ones, but all of them are missing the most important damn ingredient — water. How hard is it to build an indoor swimming pool on one side of the building and sandy bar area on the other? Like a day club but inside and north of Vegas? There are probably a shitload of health codes and practical reasons why this wouldn’t work, but leave me my dreams.

Closest You’re Going to Get:

Tropical Island Resort (Berlin, Germany). This is exactly what I was imagining, but the scale is too big. Also, the Germans have a weird and extensive obsession with indoor waterparks. I don’t want to look into this any further.

4. Samurai Sake Bar

Okay, I’m not going to drag this one out:

I want fucking Medieval Times, but with samurai, and I want it to be a bar.

If you’ve never sipped on really good chilled sake and wished you could be going shot for shot right now with a dude in full armor while cherry blossoms fall gently in the garden and a bunch of geishas massage your shoulders, I don’t even know what to do with you. Samurai are fucking badass.

Closest You’re Going to Get:

Ranse no Koshitsu Sengoku Buyuden. See? You have to go to motherfucking Japan. There is not one decent samurai bar in America.

Honorable Mention: Ninja Akasaka

You know what else is badass? Ninjas. There’s apparently this restaurant in Tokyo called Akasaka which looks like a Japanese village shrouded in night. Ninjas lurk around the rooftops and will try to ambush you as you try to eat your food.

Fuck it, looks like I’m going to Japan..

Image via Wine Dharma on Unsplash