5 Reasons You Should Give A Shit That ‘Mad Men’ Is Back

fratbryan19199112 years ago

1. It teaches you how to talk to women.

People toss a lot of adjectives around when they talk about the way in which men on the show (and men in that time period all together) treat women. Words like “sexist” and “chauvinistic” as well as the term “fucking alcoholic asshole” can often be heard slipping from the lips of GDI losers who refuse to accept how amazing that time period was. Pay them no mind.

The truth is that Mad Men really can teach you a lot about how to talk with women, or to women, or down to women. It’s really all the same. While most of you pussies get an ulcer from the thought of speaking to a woman, men like Don Draper don’t even break a sweat when approaching even the most drop dead gorgeous slams. Slams that you will never have the courage to talk to.

And he does all this with no regard or concern about their feelings, dreams, aspirations or concerns. The sixties truly were a glorious time in America. You could say cool shit like “I don’t have to take this from a woman!” It was common practice to slap secretaries on the ass, and flight attendants were essentially hired to serve as mile high eye candy.

Take a lesson from Don Draper when it comes to women. Instead of dropping corny pickup lines, wear a slick grey suit and make obvious sexual innuendos. Do all this with a straight face while lighting a cigarette and ordering a cocktail, and you will be golden.

2. It promotes the American dream.

While it is common knowledge that America is the greatest country in the world, Don Draper and Mad Men make it their mission to remind us of that in every single second of every single episode.

Don Draper was the son of a prostitute, and was born into poverty with no assets to his name and a family that despised him. He joined the army, and without giving too much away, completely reinvented himself, leaving his past in the dust. With his new life, he headed off into the world to make something of himself. And what does he do with this new opportunity? Does he make it his lifelong mission to help impoverished shit-kicking kids like him?

FUCK NO! Don Draper grows up to be one of the most successful, wealthy, and respected advertising executives on Madison Avenue. He drinks Canadian Club all day, bangs his secretary when he is bored, buys new luxury cars on a whim, and still manages to instill fear and respect into every man that comes within ten city blocks of him. This man, even though he is fictional, is living the American dream. God bless you Mr. Draper, and God bless America.

3. It teaches you how to succeed in business.

Whoever told you that hard work and following the rules would get you ahead was a fucking boner, and deserves to work the night shift at a fast food restaurant for the rest of his life. The truth is that following the rules and being a good boy is for pussies and GDIs alike.

Don Draper knows better. He didn’t wait in line and patiently submit resumes until he was rich. He got his job in advertising by getting his future employer completely shit-faced at 11:00am. He then lied to that man’s face the next day, telling him that he had hired Don somewhere between his seventh martini and the inevitable puking marathon in the alleyway on Park avenue.

Once he has his job, he doesn’t even pretend to understand the phrase “ethical business practices.” The man comes to work late only to take a nap on his couch. He disappears for weeks on end, verbally abuses his employees, and drinks Canadian Club straight before, during and after meetings. All the while he continuously blows the mind of every client worthy of his business.

If there is one thing I have learned it is this: if you can’t solve a business problem by drinking whiskey, smoking two packs a day, verbally assaulting your employees, taking a three hour frat nap, or recklessly fucking every piece of ass from Madison avenue to Greenwich village, then that problem absolutely cannot be fixed.

4. It teaches you the art of fashion.

There once was a time when you probably thought it was cool to sag your pants, wear cargo shorts, or have a lip ring. Hopefully you learned the error of your ways and went out and bought yourself a sensible pair of shoes and a navy blue suit to match. If not, then you need to start watching Mad Men ASAP, because there is plenty you can learn about the art of male fashion.

Being fashionable as a man is more about being suave and less about having swag. You think Don Draper got where he was because he wore skater shoes and spiked his hair like a 90’s rocker?

FUCK NO.

If you haven’t already, then you have to get on top of this. A man is no more a man than when he is wearing a suit. Don Draper will tell you to stick to your gray, blue and occasionally brown formal wear. Get a nice collection of ties and comb your hair down with a hard part and a shit load styling grease. Imagine how your grandfather dressed back when he indifferently laughed at the dirty hippies clustered outside his law firm. Aim for that.

5. It teaches you how to be a good parent.

While I have no intention of popping out legacies any time soon, I would hope that when I do I will be half the parent Don Draper is. While in the ‘burbs with his kids, Don Draper switches to beer and gets a mid-day buzz going while assembling his kids’ playground. That is until he says “Fuck this!” and disappears for hours during his daughter’s birthday party, abandoning his responsibilities so he can sleep it off in the front seat of his Buick in an abandoned parking lot.

Do his kids hold this against him?

FUCK NO. He shows up unannounced with a brand new Golden Retriever and then passes out on the couch.

“Sorry for my shitty parenting kids, here is something expensive. I assume we are square now.”

Of course all is forgiven, which saves Don Draper the hassle of mustering up a half-assed apology. Which is good, because he shamelessly seduced his kid’s teacher at a school function earlier that week and is now ready to have half-conscious, drunken sex with her to simultaneously feed his ego and ensure that his kids get straight A’s. Can you say “Father of the year?”