5 Things You Can Only Do While You’re In The Fraternity

Doctor Franzia7 years ago

You never realize it in the moment, but there are some things you can only do at specific times in your life. I’m a super senior turning the corner on his victory lap like the fat kid running a mile in middle school P.E., but even that fat kid’s got to cross the finish line eventually. I’m almost there, and I can see the other side. It’s a sad realization. Being apart of a fraternity has been a gold mine for once-in-a-lifetime opportunities and experiences I’m never going to be creative/drunk/stupid enough to do again.

1. Spectating brothers trials on minor criminal charges

While you will continue to get rowdy and blasted with your boys long into your golden years to prepare for weddings, birthdays, children’s sporting events, and major surgeries, there’s really only one time in your life where you have enough people around that are required by law to show up in court on a consistent enough basis that you can pull off this very special type of Wednesday afternoon entertainment. Why watch Law and Order when you can kill some Steel Reserve and hang out in the back of an actual courtroom?

Bonus points if you can shoot a power point to the guy on the stand when he pleads “Not Guilty.” This becomes more fun when you have a dedicated house lawyer. Our R.A. had just graduated law school when he was hired and spent a couple of years making a name for himself in the county by getting us out of everything. Then you can sit through a real trial, cheer when your guy drops some killer truth bombs, and get escorted out by the bailiff for loudly making pig noises during cross-examination.

2. Partying 7 days a week

I have a friend who’s starting to blow up in the music business, and a couple friends who are accomplished film/tv actors. I have friends in hedge funds and a dude from study abroad who’s affiliated with some middle eastern royal family. My point is that not even successful people in positions that glorify partying party as much as the average junior in Greek life. They have to work at least a few hours to remain in their position, or they eventually get tired of entertaining randos.

When you’re in a fraternity, you can party every night of the week if you want to. There’s always someone going out and something going on. At no other time in your life will you have fewer responsibilities, more friends, and more energy. It’s a rare and beautiful thing. Definitely enjoy it while you have it.

3. Rehearsing choreographed song and dance routines with a bunch of dudes is acceptable behavior

There is something magical about spending several months a year preparing choreographed song and dance routines with 30 or 40 of your closest friends for whatever philanthropies or Greek competitions are approaching. You get hammered before and after every practice, hit on the girls from the sorority you’re paired with, and do an hour or so of drunken aerobic exercise like some kind of glorious, heterosexual Richard Simmons. Leotard too, depending on the routine theme. Trust me, if you have any sort of showbiz side to yourself, this is the last safe and welcoming place for someone like you to explore it.

4. Scoring new romantic prospects with minimal effort

Anybody who has slogged their way through a dating site while living alone knows how sad and hopeless it is to meet a good partner if you’re not just absolutely stacked with inventory and chances. You have to catch and throw back a lot of fish to get a keeper, and the pond turns into a deep ocean when you graduate. Ocean sounds bigger than pond, but you can’t find any freaking fish anymore. The odds of you landing that perfect catch become astronomical. Which is why when I see some of the younger members of the house sitting in their rooms playing video games or hanging out in awkward huddles during house parties I want to scream “SEIZE THE DAY YOU STUPID FUCKS!” and shake them repeatedly. You only have this kind of a setting once in a lifetime.

5. Having a ton of your boys around who are down for whatever

When you live in a fraternity, you live in a sprawling colony of dumb ideas and idle hands. You sit around some nights drinking and wait for somebody to say something along the lines of, “Hey what if we freed the Ag school’s flock of sheep and herded them into the freshman dining hall?” or “Let’s put two pledges in banana suits and dress Davis up like a gorilla so he can chase them through the biggest lecture hall on campus.” If you want to build a temple made of beer or a 2 story paper mache sphinx for your Egyptian formal, you have like a hundred guys you can easily convince to help you do that. Manual labor is no problem. With that many dudes and that many trucks, you can move or pick up almost anything.

Never again in your life you are going to have a small army at your disposal to do whatever you want with. Don’t let those years of opportunity pass you by. .