5 Types of Blackout Drunks

jakewgoldman12 years ago

Most college students have gotten blackout drunk before. The night starts with a few beers at the apartment, progresses with a few shots before heading to the bars, and sometime between the 11th whiskey ginger and screaming “WAGON WHEEL” at the douchebag who keeps blaring thrash metal on the jukebox, everything goes…well…black. However, what the “blackoutee” doesn’t remember while on their rampage is usually one of the most defining characteristics of how their friends describe them. These are five types of blackout that can easily be identified amongst most groups of people.

The Fighter

After drinking his age in shots of O’Houlihan’s Finest Bathtub Whiskey, the blackout fighter will basically decide to instigate an altercation with anything that breathes. You know that guy that accidentally bumps you on a crowded Friday night? To the fighter, that was NO fucking accident. After a “totally deserved” shoulder check back, this person will more than likely need you to pull him out of the establishment before he gets curb-stomped American History X style by the rest of the patrons who are half as drunk and twice as fit to fight. The walk home will be twice as entertaining…or miserable, depending on your sense of humor. “Traffic lights? Fuck that shit, the cars have breaks!” will be screamed before they blindly run into the street. Pray that a cautious, yet irritated, driver doesn’t have the audacity to honk their horn at the swinging shit-head, because the fighter will most definitely pick a fight with a car. Hell, they’ll pick a fight with a dog if it barks at them the wrong way, or trees if they sway funny in the wind. The best way to deal with the fighter is to simply let them cool off somewhere away from society and authority figures. NEVER SAY “Calm Down.” It does the complete opposite.

The Creeper

I’ll be the last person to ever deny the fact that alcohol is an excellent social lubricant. It lowers your inhibitions, allows you to be more comfortable talking to people who have absolutely nothing to say, and generally makes you feel good. You don’t necessarily need it to be social, but why the hell would you start a fire with twigs when you have lighter fluid? Unfortunately, amount of alcohol consumed compared to ability to pull ass aren’t exactly directly correlated, and this is the creeper’s greatest downfall. Once this person reaches the point of no return, they become completely hell-bent on mumbling vulgar nothings into the ears of girls they’ve just met and grabbing every ass that’s hot enough for their liking…which is EVERY ass. Where most use a little firewater to get going, this asshole throws the whole bottle on the fire and always gets burned for it. Smacks to the face are pretty common, but that won’t keep the creep from embarrassing himself somewhere else. To be honest, there is no real way to deal with this other than total abandonment. If you try to sit down and chat with the creeper about the girls he is pissing off, it’s just going to make him more likely to go back, apologize, and then keep creeping on the same girl.

The Stuntman

No two words are more dangerous to the well being of the stuntman blackout than the simple phrase “You Won’t!” When this guy starts to drink, he doesn’t feel drunk, he feels invincible. The world becomes his playground, and every feat that he has merely fathomed in passing while sober becomes a legitimate challenge once the liquor lowers his inhibitions. “Hey guys, I’m going to jump off the third story into the kiddy-pool!” “You Won’t!” “I think I could clear these three pledges on my scooter if I just go really fast.” “You Won’t!” “John, get your keys…I want you to tow me behind the truck down the street while I ride this office chair.” “You Won’t!” Do you see why saying “You Won’t!” is a horrible idea? Where you might be joking, he thinks you are laughing at his expense…and the stuntman will have none of that static chirping in his ear. Chances are, this kid has been to the hospital a few times, and the only thing that is really going to subdue him is duct tape.

The Crier

This blackout type is one of my personal favorites, and a lot of people give me shit for it. Applicable to girls and guys with deep-seeded insecurity problems, the crying blackout types are one of the more hilarious to encounter. Why is a person shedding tears while intoxicated hilarious, you might ask. Well, unless it’s been provoked by violence or malicious verbal abuse, the tears normally come from somewhere deep down inside that no one really understands. I find that hysterical. However, if I were to put what I find funny and what will send me to hell for laughing at it into a Venn diagram, it would be a goddamned circle. Anyways, they can easily be spotted sobbing about god knows what in the middle of the bar, inconsolable and ready to take out their anger on everyone else having a good time. Don’t pay attention to them, their parents didn’t give them any and that’s all they really want from you. Your attention feeds their tears. They’ll either stop crying or they’ll leave. Either way…win-win.

The Hurricane

The last blackout type is one that really just wants to see the world burn…or get broken…depends on their preference really. The hurricane is the kind of person that, when drunk, will look at a thousand dollar glass table and have a hard time figuring out why their foot isn’t already going through the middle of it. In the world of the hurricane, everything must go, and nothing is sacred. They’ll stagger up the stairs at three in the morning, catch sight of anyone present in the hallway, and give them a stare that is a weird mix of feral animal and full blown sociopath. But there is one thing that they are good for; they can really find the weak spots that you need to patch over in the dry wall. Hurricanes fucking hate dry wall.

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