69 Places To Have Sex Before You Die

5OClockShadow11 years ago

A guy’s penis is like an aggressively average piece of real estate. It’s all about location, location, location. Nothing takes the boredom out of repetitive sexcapades like a little variety, and thank goodness we live in a country where we have the freedom of choice. That said, if you’re looking for a little variety, here are sixty-nine places to have sex before you die.

1. At her parents’ house, preferably without getting caught. I’m sure you can find thirty seconds of alone time.
2. On the kitchen counter. That way she can immediately get to work on your post-sex sandwich.
3. In a golf cart tunnel leaning up against a golf cart.
4. In the back seat of a car. It’s an American cliché to cross off the bucket list.
5. In French wine country. Women like wine. Women like France. Women like crazy European sex.
6. On a soccer field, especially if she’s good with her head.
7. On a golf green. Work on your short game.
8. On a concert stage late at night. Plenty of seats for spectators.
9. On a pontoon boat. Shiver her timbers.
10. In the bed of a pickup truck. Go up the old dirt road on an old dirt road.
11. In the coat room at her best friend’s wedding.
12. In the coat room at your best friend’s wedding.
13. At a desk in an office. The sec-exec slam session is a Reaganomics classic.
14. The Vatican City. Catholicism is the perfect excuse to not wear a condom.
15. On a hiking trail, better known as trailblazing.
16. In an airplane bathroom. Another American classic.
17. On a trampoline. Put the “tramp” in trampoline.
18. On a rooftop.
19. Overlooking the beach. Never on the beach. “Sand in her vagina” becomes literal in that scenario.
20. Out in the Arizona desert. Just because it’s a desert, it doesn’t mean everything is dry, and you can smoke a post-coital, cartel-supplied joint.
21. In a slow elevator in a skyscraper. Two minutes is more than enough time.
22. On a futon. Give it the old college try.
23. On a leather couch with HBO GO on.
24. In the bathroom of a five-star restaurant. It’s the classy way to be trashy.
25. In Venice, with a blonde Austrian woman. Indiana Jones knew what was up. And so did his dad.
26. On a yacht. Let the motion of the ocean be the motion of your ocean.
27. In a penthouse suite in Vegas overlooking the strip (coke binge optional).
28. In the shower. Shower sex is horrible, but it’s a bucket list item.
29. Drunk in a hot tub. Another horrible bucket list item.
30. In a guest bedroom. Make sure you are breaking house rules.
31. In an all-girls dorm.
32. In a movie theater. Maybe she likes extra butter on her popcorn.
33. In Thailand. I mean, how could you pass up a good Bangkok joke?
34. In a cheap motel room. Make that black light test look like a Jackson Pollock painting.
35. In a VRBO-rented beach house. Worst case scenario, you forfeit your deposit for leaving questionable stains everywhere.
36. In a ski lodge. Baby, it’s cold outside.
37. In an expensive hotel in Dubai, because defiling — or, more accurately, “filing” — the Middle East with your seed is a power move.
38. In the back seat of a limo, or at the very least, an Uber. UberX doesn’t count.
39. On a yoga mat. She’s already in downward facing dog.
40. At the zoo. Make sure to narrate in the Crocodile Hunter’s voice.
41. At a neighborhood tennis court at night. Ace her right up the middle.
42. In the top bunk. Put on a show.
43. In a sleeping bag while camping. Nothing like the buddy system to keep you warm.
44. In a theater balcony during The Nutcracker. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.
45. In a parking deck up against someone else’s car.
46. On a bear rug in front of the fireplace in a log cabin. Unleash your inner white person stereotype.
47. In a bouncy castle, preferably not in front of children.
48. On a deck at night overlooking a remote lake.
49. On Mount Rushmore. Make sure to screenshot it when it shows up on Google Earth.
50. At Disney World. It’s so wrong that it’s right.
51. In the laundry room during a spin cycle.
52. In a Brooks Brothers dressing room. Just the #genttip.
53. In a hammock. Totally impractical, but thoroughly amusing.
54. On a pool float. It’s the Entourage experience.
55. At a house party, preferably one not attended by journalistically dishonest Rolling Stone writers.
56. Give her your Krispy Kreme in a Krispy Kreme bathroom.
57. Filet her fish in the McDonald’s drive-thru.
58. Give her a girthy six-inch in the Subway bathroom.
59. In a private study room at the campus library, preferably the law library.
60. In an empty classroom. Make sure to polish teach’s apple.
61. At your polling location on election day. Celebrate your right to vote in the American way. Bonus points if she’s a foreigner.
62. In a cougar bar parking lot with, obviously, a cougar.
63. In a remote room of a sorority house. Necessary level of secrecy is directly proportional to the size of the patrolling security guard.
64. In a haunted house.
65. At a baby shower.
66. At Harry Potter World. Slip your basilisk into her Chamber of Secrets, but try not to get Hogwarts or Hufflepuff.
67. In a luxury RV.
68. In a dive bar bathroom.
69. In a marital bed — preferably, but not necessarily, your own..