essential dorm room items

9 Dorm Room Items Every Incoming Freshman Absolutely Needs

essential dorm room items

Well, this is it. You are on your way to college and, come August, you will be living on your own (besides your roommate(s) of course). I bet you are wondering what you will need to make your room an awesome man cave or an artsy-fartsy domicile, eh? Well lucky for you, you’ve come to the right place. I’m about run you through some of the makings of a superb dorm room because I want your freshman year to be a great one!

A Picture Of Your Mother Or Father On Your Nightstand

You’re going to want to demonstrate to everyone on your floor that you have family values. Let everyone that enters your room know you are a momma’s boy or are daddy’s little girl. Make sure it’s a very serious photo; one in which your parent is dishing out sort of an “I’m watching you” look. This should keep you on the straight and narrow and make sure you’re hitting the books.

A Pocket Pussy/Dildo

Make sure you put it on display loud and proud next to your bed, right next to that picture of your parent. Not only will you NOT be having a lot of sexual intercourse and definitely want something more than just your hand (this abstinence is on account of all the studying you’ll be doing), but when you actually do, this toy will let your partner know, “Wow this person loves stimulation! This should be really great. I’m so excited! I definitely made the right choice tonight!”

A Record Player

This makes you look interesting. You don’t need that effort-free Spotify; you have a record player with 4 vinyl records and one of them is Eminem’s Recovery. Everybody is going to be so impressed with your artsiness.

A Tapestry

This is a brand new trend not many people have bought into yet. Make sure to take pictures in front of this thumbtacked tapestry whilst holding balloons for your 19th birthday Insta photo. You will be the only one on your floor — maybe even your building — with one of these bad boys.

Shower Socks

Don’t go out and buy shower socks; simply take a pair of socks you have and designate them as the socks you’ll use to keep your feet from touching that disgusting dorm room shower floor. You’ll thank me later.

A Small Rodent Pet

As long as you hide it right, your RA will never know. Rodent life is dope because all the people on your floor will want to play with it, making you instantly popular.

Wet Wipes

If you’re still using toilet paper instead of Wet Wipes, you may as well drop out; you’re hopeless.

A Bowflex

The campus gym is always packed and is full of people scoping themselves out in the mirror. Don’t mess with it. Bring the home gym to school and you won’t even have to leave your room to get a full-body workout. Don’t worry about space; that’s what bunk beds are for.

A Shake Weight

Don’t want to make room for a Bowflex? Get a Shake Weight. It does the same thing and is also mobile. People will respect the fact that you’re getting a good pump in during your walk between classes.

I hope this list helped you build your first college dorm room. Now remember: have fun, student loans are a myth, and condoms are for bananas. This is all serious advice.

      1. SigmaNugs311

        All we read is blah blah blah. The same old bullshit from the biggest pussy on this site. Chug bleach fuckstick, nobody will miss you. Not even your crack whore mother or your dad who refills the tampon machines at the low tier strip clubs. He says you’re too fucking dumb to even do his job.

        6 years ago at 1:04 am
  1. SharkWeekTFM

    This will put any freshman 10 steps ahead of the game. Do not share this article if you want to be big dog on campus!
    Wish I had this when I was a freshman. I was such a dweeb until I faked my way thru rush and got a bid. Luckily I learned many lessons on my way to becoming the most successful Educator of this decade.

    7 years ago at 3:50 pm
    1. Butanefratoil

      Good educators make good educators which educate good. It’s a perfect harmony

      7 years ago at 5:09 pm
      1. SharkWeekTFM

        Nope. We had a shitty educators and the guy who got it after me was worthless too.
        You have to make it look like you don’t care but you do have to care to do it right.
        You have to put aside however shittily you were educated and keep the future and the actual goal (good brothers who are bonded well to each other) in mind at all times. Sadism has no place in education.

        6 years ago at 7:19 am
  2. No_menstruating_allowed

    Used socks to shower until I wiped my cock on one. Got athletes fungus or something. needed ointment.

    6 years ago at 7:32 pm
  3. 21Cleavage

    the bowflex part with the bunkbeds reminded me of that scene from stepbrothers. classic.

    6 years ago at 11:27 pm
    1. SharkWeekTFM

      The dude in this pic is probably a rapper (don’t know) but looks like a Superman villain on the news holding the city hostage “bring me Superman or I will blow up the city”

      6 years ago at 7:20 am