Westboro Baptist Stopped by Zombies; Unfortunately No Faces Were Eaten

Captain Jack Sperry12 years ago

In this world you encounter two levels of scum. There are your run-of-the-mill assholes, varying in degree from a simple jerk to I’d-sodomize-your-mother-if-she-wasn’t-already-double-fisting-herself-you-worthless-sack-of-buffalo-shit asshole. And then you have an entirely darker level of scum, a unique entity of fuckups so worthless that you pray to God that you never meet one in person, because Lord knows you would spend the rest of your life behind bars for a case of aggravated assault that would make the Rodney King video look like a Sockem’ Bopper commercial. Some of these fucked up miscreants I describe are the miserable members of the Silent Hill-esque church community known as the Westboro Baptist Church.

Here’s a quick recap on Westboro Baptist, in case you haven’t watched the news in ten years. Westboro Baptist (although not actually affiliated with the Baptist Church) is located in somewhere in the great expanse of nothingness known as Kansas. Under the pastoral care of Fred Phelps, the forty some-odd members of this cult have made a slew of national headlines, particularly during the last fifteen years of so, for their stance against gay people. Their passion against male on male pole to hole and female taco-grinding action has so deluded the minds of these dickless bastards that they’ve credited national tragedies – such as military deaths and natural disasters – as God’s retribution to America’s so-called acceptance of glow-in-the-dark-condom lightsaber battles. Their protests have gone as far as to picketing military funerals and burning American flags.

Efforts to legally put a stop to these protests have been blocked by the supreme court’s ruling that the protests are protected under the 1st Amendment.

Fuck. I just broke my hand punching a wall.

ANYWAYS, the battle in court may have been lost for now, but that has not stopped American citizens from fighting back in their own unique ways, notably the forming of human walls around military funerals as was seen in one example at Texas A&M University, and most recently in the form of a zombie uprising in Washington:

After members of the controversial Kansas-based church announced plans to picket Joint Base Lewis-McChord, a military base south of Seattle, 27-year-old Melissa Neace decided to organize a counter-protest, launching a Facebook group titled “Zombie’ing Westboro Baptist Church AWAY from Fort Lewis!”

Westboro, you have officially been Zombie’d. Albeit, the Zombie protest was less than apocryphal, it was still a great idea to take fight back in a comedic way with a trend that the world is for some reason obsessed with. Personally, I think a fitting solution would be to put the entire congregation in a room with all the military buddies of funerals they’ve protested.

The official report claims no bathsalts were taken, and no human flesh consumed (unfortunately), but much speculation abounds as the majority population wonders if maybe the Zombies should have snorted a line or two. If you’re going to go Zombie on the Westboro Baptists, might as well go full-Zombie.

• [via The Hufftington Post]