The Greatest Crime Story You Will Ever Read, Ever

Rob Fox13 years ago

This story isn’t exactly new, a Google search of the text yielded results as old as 2008, but still, just read.

From…I don’t know, Heaven probably:

A 38-year-old Cole Avenue man reported that his home was invaded on Sept. 9. The man said that he was sitting home alone masturbating and watching a pornographic movie when a man came down into the basement, holding a gun, and started to videotape him. The man said that before he left, the intruder fed his dog some mushrooms and the dog died.

That’s it, that’s the entire story. In sixty-three words you’ve just read a tale more compelling than anything J.K. Rowling could put into a thousand pages. A story more terrifying than the plots conceived in the darkest dreams of Stephen King. A set of acts more perversely arousing (just me?) than whatever E.L. James could fantasize about before scribbling it down in crayon.

Here is the actual newspaper clipping, lest you think this is just the opening scene to that Law and Order:SVU spec script I’ve been penning. To be fair, it is, but that’s only because I’m following SVU’s “ripped from the headlines” story telling strategy.

• [via BrooklynMutt.com]

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