This Women’s Prison Might Be the Perfect Job Opening for Unemployed, Horny, Drug Dealing College Grads

scally33312 years ago

I know I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know, but college seniors and recent grads are entering a job market that is tighter than Bruce Jenner’s face, and with the economy in the shitter right now, it might be a few more years before the job prospects look any better.

So what to do in those precious years following graduation? Entry-level 9-to-5? Law School? Travelling abroad? The options are endless, but let me suggest one alternative path that you might not have considered yet – prison guard at the Topeka Correctional Facility.

Yes, I know. Living in Kansas – and Topeka in particular – seems about as desirable as taking a cheese grater to your dong. I mean, Topeka appears to be the type of place where Kangol hats and the Insane Clown Posse are still cool. That fact is not lost on me. But the Topeka Correctional Facility might have the type of job amenities that could actually make living in Topeka tolerable.

Now, before I continue, I’m not suggesting you jump into a 30 year career here. I’m just talking about a post-grad stint of about 1-2 years while you wait out the economy. After that, when the economy is on the up-and-up, you can move on to a more appropriate city and start your assent to become the captain of industry that you were always destined to be.

So what’s so great about the women’s prison that is known as the Topeka Correctional Facility? Well, I’m going to let the Assistant U.S. Attorney General for Civil Rights tell you:

The inmates “live in a highly charged sexual environment with repeated and open sexual behavior, including sexual relations between staff and prisoners and non-consensual sexual conduct between the female prisoners, open and notorious sex parties, and public nudity.”

Doesn’t sound too bad, huh? I never heard anything like that sitting in the career services office.

But that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

A U.S. Justice Department report released last week noted that sexual misconduct with inmates at the women’s prison is “rampant throughout the facility” and even persisted as federal officials investigated the so-called ‘problems’ there.

The report also cited concerns about insufficient staffing (they’re hiring!) and the fact that there are almost no female officers at this facility.

I mean, it’s almost as if you’re working at the house and the 684 female inmates are your pledges. There’s got to be a few petite, non-butch, white collar criminals in there, right?

The Topeka Capital-Journal reported that inmates and staff said as many as one-third of the 250 employees had been involved in an illegal black market that included exchanging drugs for sex with female inmates.

Wow. First off, your pledge brothers – errrrr, co-workers – sound pretty effing cool. Well, at least 1/3 of them do.

And imagine what you could do with a ten-strip of high-powered blotter acid in that place. Sounds like the perfect place for a 22-year old dude with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement.

And picture how many times you can one-up your buddies that don’t work at the prison. Let’s say one of them brags to you that a few middle-managers took him to the Silver Slipper Saloon last week for one of those prime rib buffets. Well, see what he says when you tell him that some suburban housewife who is doing 6-12 for aggravated vehicular manslaughter gave you felations for a handful of benzos. And that it happened before lunch. On a Tuesday.

This place is almost too good to be true. It is the perfect combination of professional and college life. You get the steady paycheck and benefits that the professional world provides, as well as the drug-fueled carousing associated with university life. Sounds like the perfect place to wait out a bad economy.

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