6 Pledges You Probably Know

BlutarskyTFM12 years ago

While we all seem to pride ourselves on giving bids to only the most qualified of rushees, every now and then we take a pledge that isn’t exactly the best or brightest. Sometimes you think you’re dealing with a guy who could be a really solid member of your fraternity, and he ends up being a total piece of shit. Other times, in the case of the pledges discussed in this article, you know that the guy is less than perfect and you don’t mind giving him a bid anyway, because he’s an acceptable level of shitty. Below are six pledges that you are confident your chapter’s time-honored traditions will either fix or eliminate:

1. The Kid Everyone Knows Will Drop

Let’s face it; you gave this kid a bid just to see how long he’d last. He seemed unsure about the whole thing from the start, and now, just a few days in, everyone knows he’s probably not going to make it. What little confidence he had to begin with will be gone after week one as the pledge trainer systematically weeds him out and fucks his mind.

2. The Entitled Legacy

His dad, grandfather, uncle, brother, cousin, or some distant relative was a member of your chapter. He’s probably heard some stories about what your fraternity’s pledge process has to offer, but it doesn’t faze him. He thinks that the fact that his dad donates regularly to the social fund means that he will be treated differently, and cruise through pledgeship unharmed. He usually finds out how wrong he is during the first night in the basement. No matter what you do to him, this kid won’t drop. The only thing he fears more than the pledge educator is letting down his dad. After all, he was the pledge ed back in ’82 when nationals had to come down.

3. The Pygmalion

The Pygmalion Pledge seems a little different from the rest of his fellow pledges at the beginning of the process. Sure, he didn’t exactly fit in, but who’s to say he can’t be changed? That’s half the reason he got a bid in the first place. You realized he had potential, and decided it would be an interesting experiment to see if you can turn him into a better man. A semester (or more) of pledging will change this quiet, introverted, 3-beer queer into a womanizing, beer-guzzling force of destruction.

4. The Idiot

Like his name suggests, the Idiot is, well, an idiot. There’s a pretty good chance this guy got a bid because he drank like a fish, seemed good with girls, and looked like a great prospect for your 3-time intramural football championship team. There is a very good chance that the Idiot takes to the difficulties of pledging better than any of the pledges. This is likely due to the fact that he has no idea what is going on, either from his excessive consumption of alcohol or his numerous concussions resulting from sports. Just remember, if you tell him to say the scars are from flag football, his parents will probably buy it.

5. The Kid Who Thinks The Hazing Won’t Be That Bad

During rush, he was always laughing and joking about how pledgeship would be a breeze. After all, he was on the lacrosse team in high school and boy, did they have some tough rites of passage! Like every other pledge, his preconceived notions are usually changed after his first session with the pledge educator. This pledge is frequently one of the first to drop. Betting is encouraged on whether it will be him or “The Kid Everyone Knows Will Drop” to quit first.

6. The Sycophant

This pledge, the Sycophant, takes it too far. He takes every opportunity to ask if you need something done. He’s always asking if there is anything that needs to be cleaned, trash to be taken out, or if someone needs a ride. After a while, you realize this pledge is just a suck up. He is essentially the Waylon Smithers of the pledge class. While this pledge is annoying as hell, you might as well take advantage of the fact that at the Sycophant lives to do the chores you are perfectly capable of doing, but are too good to do.

If your fraternity takes one of these pledges, don’t be alarmed. Pledging has a way of straightening out even the worst of people. If that doesn’t work, you can always blackball them, or, in the words of Coach Saban, you can always “make his ass quit.”