Puerto Rico Wants To Be The 51st State? No Thanks.
One of the most interesting things to go unnoticed during this past election season was that Puerto Rico has applied to be America’s 51st state.
On the surface, this looks like an easy admission. It has been a commonwealth for some time now, would be the country’s 29th most populous state, and has finally come to a consensus on wanting to join the union. However, I am here to tell you that we should not let this happen.
For starters, this situation feels like a bad case of Beyoncé’s “Put a Ring on It.” I really do hate the song, but it makes for a fun analogy.
It has been 65 years since America gave Puerto Rico the right to elect its own governor, and it took until now to apply for statehood? If it applied in 1950, it would have beaten Alaska and Hawaii by nine years and might have gotten in, but it waited too long and missed the boat.
Puerto Rico is the guy that didn’t want to be tied down, wanted to keep his options open, and now…he’s fucked.
This isn’t even a case of the guy contemplating whether or not to settle for someone he deems less attractive. This is Zach Galifianakis turning down advances by Kate Upton and then deciding years later that it was a bad decision.
Both Upton and America are going to say, “No thanks, you had your chance.”
Beyond this, here are my two main reasons for telling Puerto Rico off:
1. We are not changing our flag.
2. We are not breaking the even number that is our 50 states.
Our flag is a flawless piece of freedom art the way it is, and under no circumstance should we be required to add another star to it and mess it up. I have looked up just about every possible design that would incorporate 51 stars, and I am not sold on any of them. Also, do you have any idea how many things I own with the American flag on them? I would have to take out loans to re-buy everything to incorporate the new design.
50 is just too good of a number.
12 years ago at 9:26 amSeriously, this is the main reason I’m opposed. Maybe we could trade out Ohio?
12 years ago at 9:34 amcould we trade it for a more liberal state?
12 years ago at 9:47 amCalifornia. One solid earthquake away from involuntary secession. But at least we’ll be rid of them.
12 years ago at 9:47 amCombine the Dakotas.
12 years ago at 9:49 am^
12 years ago at 9:56 am^^ I wouldn’t mind that idea to get Puerto Rico. As long as it remains at that solid 50 number.
12 years ago at 10:00 amPuerto Rico would only be a minimal hit against the cap. Maybe we can resign Arizona to a mid-level exception.
12 years ago at 10:42 amWe have a lot of choices. We could kick Rhode Island out since it’s an island, combine the two Kansas’s, combine the 2 Washington’s, or give Georgia back to Georgia.
12 years ago at 11:22 amwhy don’t we just send all the ne g ros back to africa
12 years ago at 11:26 amI hear Texas wants out…
12 years ago at 12:34 pm^
12 years ago at 2:09 pm^^
12 years ago at 4:25 pmThere are much worse states to trade than Ohio. New York, New Jersey, and Illinois, for starters. Can’t say I’d miss commiefornia either.
12 years ago at 11:26 amHow about just adding Rhode Island to Connecticut or Delaware to Maryland?? Far more worthless states than what Puerto Rico would potentially be able to bring to the table.
12 years ago at 11:54 am^^I don’t know how you could possibly justify kicking out New York and not Ohio. What would we lose? Corn? Cleveland? Nobody’s given a shit about Ohio since LeBron James left.
12 years ago at 6:10 pm^there are lots of liberals in new york
12 years ago at 10:52 pmI’d like to offer a counter point:
Republicans come out massively in favor of it (even though Democrats are no doubt going to be for it), Puerto Ricans see us supporting them, and we have a whole new electorate to counter the Mexican influx.
12 years ago at 9:28 amFuck your shitty moderation system, Dorn.
12 years ago at 9:39 amAlso more people on welfare and voting democrat
12 years ago at 9:28 amI’m like 90% sure Puerto Ricans are mainly republican.
12 years ago at 1:20 amThey’d probably have to come up with some goofy layout that would make people vomit just by looking at it. Just like with pledges, punish them for their procrastination.
12 years ago at 9:28 amI’d like to offer a counter point:
Republicans come out massively in favor of it (even though Democrats are no doubt going to be for it), P/u/e/r/t/o R/i/c/a/n/s see us supporting them, and we have a whole new electorate to counter the M/e/x/i/c/a/n influx.
Fuck your shitty moderation system, Dorn.
12 years ago at 9:30 ampuerto ricans mexicans
12 years ago at 9:57 am53 stars doesn’t look to bad though. Still don’t wanna buy new shit though.
12 years ago at 9:30 amNew pledges.
12 years ago at 9:33 am^then shitty brothers
12 years ago at 10:22 amGreat short column
12 years ago at 9:36 am“missed the boat”…I see what you did there
12 years ago at 9:38 amThe fraternity house talking. TFM.
12 years ago at 9:51 am