A Breakdown Of Every Time You Play Wagon Wheel

StuffFratPeopleLike12 years ago

Here in America, our amazing country’s massive borders allow for an incredibly diverse fraternity system. From sea to shining sea, brothers are embracing the fraternity lifestyle in ways they see fit, and while a West Coast fraternity experience may vastly differ from a Southern one, in the long run all that matters is that we’re all just trying to get fucked up and laid, typically in that order.

Where do we find common ground? When the letters on your chest aren’t enough, I think it’s safe to assume that any fraternity in this country worth a damn is more than familiar with the Old Crow Medicine Show song of legend known as “Wagon Wheel.”

No matter the size of your school or geographic location, as soon as that unmistakable intro riff starts, every party enters an alcoholic torrent that can only compare to the way Mario must feel when he eats a mushroom. We all have our differences, but chances are every time this track shines through the speakers it looks a hell of a lot like this…

“Heading down south to the land of the pines
I’m thumbing my way into North Caroline
Staring up the road and pray to God I see headlights”

-Shriek in unison from all sorority girls.
-Freshman blonde girl: “Darius Rucker is my FAVE!”
-Brief moment of disappointment from surrounding brothers, instantly forgotten because she has an amazing ass.
-Brother who blasts ungodly amount of cigarettes holds up his lighter.

“I made it down the coast in seventeen hours
Picking me a bouquet of dogwood flowers
And I’m a hopin’ for Raleigh, I can see my baby tonight”

-Random brothers rush into room to join drunken singalong.
-Senior brother clumsily attempts swing dancing with whichever girl will agree to it.
-Pledge sneaks away into the study room to take 4-minute nap while the brotherhood is distracted.

“So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama any way you feel
Hey mama rock me

Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a southbound train
Hey mama rock me”

-Entire party holds cups in the air.
-Swing dancing senior attempts to dip hot brunette, fails.
-Risk manager scurries off to get ice pack for hot brunette’s head.
-Brothers scan the room the best sorority girls to potentially serenade.

“Running from the cold up in New England
I was born to be a fiddler in an old time string band
My baby plays a guitar, I pick a banjo now

Oh, north country winters keep a getting me
Now I lost my money playing poker so I had to up and leave
But I ain’t turning back to living that old life no more“

-Passed out brother on nearby couch wakes up, joins in singing the lyrics without a moment’s hesitation.
-A pledge is forced to find and deliver 14 more beers, because everyone knows Wagon Wheel is a two beer song.

“So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama any way you feel
Hey mama rock me

Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a southbound train
Hey mama rock me”

-Some asshole yells “Rock Me! Rock Me! Rock Me!” Get’s resounding “Shut the fuck up!” from crowd. (Seriously, don’t add this in the song. Leave song rape to Darius Rucker.)

“Walkin’ to the south out of Roanoke
I caught a trucker out of Philly, had a nice long toke”

-Everyone holds up an imaginary joint.

“But he’s a heading west from the Cumberland Gap
To Johnson City, Tennessee”

-Singing on key becomes irrelevant. Everyone is basically yelling at this point.
-Random brother tries to organize a group shotgun while still managing to sing every single lyric.

“And I gotta get a move on before the sun
I hear my baby calling my name and I know that she’s the only one
And if I died in Raleigh, at least I will die free”

-Random couple begins making out with animal-like fury.
-10% chance something gets lit on fire at this point in the song.
-Functional alcoholic brother beckon pledges for beer number three.

“So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama any way you feel
Hey mama rock me

Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a southbound train
Hey mama rock me”

-Entire room slowly sways back into sanity.
-Napping pledge gets caught sleeping in Study Room, forced to dress as Snorlax for every remaining social function.