America Just Beat Brazil So Badly At Soccer That The Brazilian Team Literally Quit Before The Game Even Ended
Most Americans aren’t soccer fans, except for when the World Cup comes around. Even then, the vast majority of people are just using the sport as an excuse to get hammered and celebrate America. In that way, the World Cup isn’t really any different than drinking a fifth of whiskey while watching Red Dawn, except the World Cup has less action and more actors pretending they’ve been horrifically injured.
After America’s group for this next year’s World Cup was announced, the heart of a collective nation sank shrugged, assuming that the breathtakingly difficult opponents paired up with the U.S. in this group of SUPER DEATH would ensure another early exit. I, for one, am most furious at the fact that I have to give a crap about Ghana for the third time in twelve years, let alone my entire life. Go back to your shanties.
Though America’s near soccer future might be bleak, the not-so-distant future is looking pretty bright. Case and point, the U.S. U-17 team’s hilariously dominating victory over Brazil’s U-17 side this past weekend, which was so lopsided that the Brazilian team up and quit before the game even ended, because they were so utterly, thoroughly, laughably outmatched.
The game was eventually called with 30 seconds left to play. Pretty bitchy on Brazil’s part to pick up their ball and go home, so to speak, though I’m not sure they knew what else to do since gratuitously diving was not a viable option. Hey, maybe there’s hope for U.S. soccer after all. You have to admit there wouldn’t be a more gratifying sports victory than rubbing a U.S. World Cup title in the face of the rest of the world.
h/t For The Win
Soccer is the only thing third world countries have (not saying Brasil is a third world country) so they hate it when America beats them because we have everything else already.
12 years ago at 4:08 pmHate to break it to ya, we have lost to more sub par teams with our U17 team than we have beat.
12 years ago at 4:30 pmThird world countries like those in Europe and East Asia. Okay.
12 years ago at 5:28 pmSoccer gaining popularity in America angers me. It seems to go hand and hand with the pussification of this country. Lap me all you want but i think soccers queer as hell.
12 years ago at 4:11 pmThanks for the hot take.
12 years ago at 4:13 pmI’m sorry you got so many laps. You are an American hero in my book. Fuck soccer!
12 years ago at 6:02 pmAmerican Soccer is not queer at all. The only thing queer about soccer is the diving, and Americans never do that.
12 years ago at 8:14 pmyour all wrong every American who cares about soccer is a son of a bitch. I am more of a man than you cause I hate soccer. Soccer fans aint men and never will be. If you like soccer you aint a man you a queer thats a FACT
12 years ago at 1:22 am^Do us all a favor and go chug bleach. Not because you hate soccer, but because we’re all pretty certain you’re mentally retarded.
12 years ago at 3:09 am^ you are from Wisconsin, thats reason enough to kill oneself fuck you queer
12 years ago at 3:25 am^ Dude, calm your fucking tits, it’s just a sport. You sound like a bitch about something that literally has no effect in your life. No one is making you play it. No one is making you watch it. In fact, no one even made you read this news article. You read the title of it and you knew exactly what it was gonna be about. Own up to it, and stop being an attention-seeking whore that is making soccer sound like it’s the reason for everything wrong in this country.
12 years ago at 12:22 pmI’m not interested in soccer myself, but calling the most popular sport in the world which billions of people play “queer as hell” is just retarded and arrogant. Despite this fact no one is asking you to like or play it. How about that sport where guys tackle each other to the ground and a ball is thrown out from under a guy’s ass? Take that stick out of your ass “queer”. Come at me with more of your retarded, immature replies.
12 years ago at 5:26 pmmy name is “poop on my chest” im sorry were you looking for mature responses?
queer.
12 years ago at 7:37 pmBacon is clearly not a soccer guy. The U17 matches are garbage. We have had a lot of “major victories” in the U17 but they have always been diminished because our opponents dont care, don’t have their full roster, and ultimately our national team deteriorates sad to say. There is a reason these wins don’t get media attention.
12 years ago at 4:12 pmDoesn’t matter had sex.
12 years ago at 11:57 pm^She put a bag over my head….
12 years ago at 12:17 amAsserting dominance in everything, even shit we couldn’t care less about. TFM
12 years ago at 4:12 pmYou know your country’s athletes suck when our 5th best national sport dominates you.
12 years ago at 4:13 pmThey just had to get back to work in the sweatshops. America had a pretty big order coming up
12 years ago at 4:15 pmWell probably not. Brasil is actually a pretty big player in the global economy. I think you’re thinking of Honduras
12 years ago at 7:11 amIt’s a fucking a joke man.
12 years ago at 1:10 pmSort of like your grammar?
12 years ago at 3:01 pmTalk about being butthurt….
12 years ago at 4:18 pmI guess I still dont really care. We are SUPPOSED to win everything. The rest of the world just need to accept it.
12 years ago at 4:18 pmFuck you Brazil
12 years ago at 4:18 pmI stopped reading at Ghana.
12 years ago at 5:02 pm