The OTPHJ Is Out, The RHJ Is In

Nathaniel Light12 years ago

The future is bright in the world of masturbation technology. I introduce to you the robot technology that will save mankind, one automated handjob at a time.

A Japanese company introduced a jackoff robot, introducing the masturbation contraption at the Oculus Rift game conference in Tokyo. I’d like to think of it as a new form of artificial intellijizz. It will provide a visual stimulation to the robots repeated motion, after the man inserts his penis into the machine. It’s like a sketchy massage parlor, but it’ll save lonely men time, money, and the awkwardness of making eye contact with the 90-year-old Vietnamese women who are jerking them off.

They call it the “VR Tenga.” That name sucks, though.

I call it “Masterbot.”

Gone are the days of having to jerk it in adult movie theaters. Gone are the days of fast-forwarding a VHS cassette of Caddyshack to the pool scene to witness tit. Hell, even dial-up internet is a thing of the past. And handheld mobile devices make it easier to enjoy your handheld johnson while enjoying the comfort of your own room. The makers of the Masterbot predict that sex robots will be commonplace come 2030.

And now, when a shacker won’t do anything past giving you a handjibber, you can stop her and say, “I don’t need this, so don’t even bother. My robot can do that for me.” Comparing women to machines always makes them put out. Trust me, I’m in a frat.

I’m calling it: there’s absolutely no way this doesn’t end in a fucked up movie about a dude who falls in love with his robot handjob buddy. Kind of like a domestic box office hybrid of A.I. and Her. The male protagonist’s infatuation is not much of a problem at first, but when the robot loves him back, shit goes south. She’ll start nagging about how he needs to put the toilet seat down or how he never takes her on real dates, or how maybe, just once, she should get to control the TV remote, because she hates football. And then he reminds her that she’s a fucking robot and all hell breaks loose. Don’t worry, though, the makeup sex is great. Some might say “electric.” (Heyooooo!).

Remember, TFMers: Love is temporary, technology is forever.

[via Huffington Post]

Image via YouTube