A TFM Job Application From User Ruger_Dern

Ruger_Dern11 years ago

Editor’s note: Dern’s original title for this column was “ruger_dernz appliez 4 a job!!1.”

i seed dat u guyz hav had sum reecent job listingz. i caer a litle bit about ur cumpany sew i figurd i wood giv u teh chance 2 employ mi eckspurteez. atached iz a copy of mi rezume. reed dis, den hier me.

if u dew nawt call me sewn den u kan jus go fuk urself

luv u,
ruger_

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ruger_fukin_dern
teh internationul space station aka ‘kappa kapa deltuh fraternuty”
rewm numbr 69
emale: rugerderntmf@gmail.com
fone numbr: 1(234)five-6789

objecktivez:
• becum teh new fayce of totulfratmov and/and granddecks inc.
• becum a teem leeder in teh werk place
• develup many workplayce relationshipz wyle avoidin sex harasment lawsuitz
o preferubly wit: hot peez, frum rush 2 reehab, nd dat shipment of fleshlitez u guyz got

demandz (deez r all non negotiabull}:
• imunity frum sex harasment lawsuitz
• werk in a korner ofice wit large amount of big brested inturnz wit father isues
• if bacon haz a persunal ofice it wil need 2 b cleered out 4 teh folowing:
o fuly stokked bar
o striper pole
o trampoleenz
• bacon wil hav 2 b demoted 2 mi persunal inturn
o 2 fit in wit teh other inturnz, i recomend he get brest implantz
• moar demandz wil b anounced aftr u hire me

mi educating:
eligibull bacheler in collage studeez
teh univercity of itttecknicul univercity of devri feenixes unline
gpa: -1.37
graduatin date: havnt decided 2 graduat yet bcuz #sofratsocollage

relevent coursewerk:
• speek n spell 075
o didnt tecknicully pass teh class on mi own. professir agreed 2 giv me an a++ if i stoped fukin hiz wife nd daughter.
• cumunication 101
o stoppd attendin wen sum nerd told me teh class wuz spelld “com’, i thot dis wuz about sumthing else.
• publik speekin 100
o wuz askd 2 stop atending aftr thretning 2 kill teh professir 4 telin me i sounded lyk ‘helen keler chokin on a sausege”. i dont even no hu teh fuk helen keler iz u stupid dik, im not sum bulshit wommenz studee major.

y teh fuk im qualified:
• medical expertz tel me i hav wut iz knowed az a ‘agresive drinkin problem”
• i didnt vote 4 obama
o side note; i wuz legaly barred frum voting aftr beeing deemd a burdan on societee
• i maintane a presents on social meediuh includin:
o snapchet in ordr 2 get newdz
o twiter in ordr 2 get newdz
o pornhub in ordr 2 communicate wit otherz who share mi interestz
• hold many pozitions in mi fraternity, am also most widely known membr
o am onli membr of kappa kapa deltuh, unfortunatly i hazed all teh pleges 2 deth in the naem of tradition

experience:
i dont no wut dis part meenz nd teh microsoft werd paperclip wont fukin tell me

comunity involvment:
• am widly known in teh barz of mi comunity az “dat drunk peece of shit’
• hav completed ovr 200 hourz of cort orderd comunity serviss
• mi frat recentlee startd a philanthropee 2 giv money 2 kidz in africa dat cant aford premium bangbroz acountz
• wuz coach of teh local litle leegue ice luging teem until i wuz fired 4 makin teh new kidz dew keg standz

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