If “Animal House” Happened Today

StuffFratPeopleLike11 years ago

Countless fraternity houses nationwide like to proclaim that they’re the “Animal House” of their campus, and I’m here to tell you that every single one of them is full of shit. With the endless scrutiny that Greek life faces on a daily basis, no house in the country could get away with the rambunctiousness that the brothers of Delta Tau Chi pulled off in the film.

In fact, if the Deltas existed today, even they wouldn’t be able to get away with their breed of insanity. If “Animal House” took place in 2014 instead of 1962, the film’s events would have played out a lot differently. Let me show you what I mean.

Scene:

Larry (Pinto) and Kent (Flounder) enter the raucous Delta house, and are immediately greeted by Bluto. He generously proclaims, “Grab a brew! Don’t cost nothin’.”

If It Happened Today:

Seconds after Bluto offers alcohol to the unsuspecting minors, an undercover narc from Faber’s administration bursts through the door. Bluto is immediately arrested by nearby campus police officers and Delta house is kicked off campus for 84 separate recruitment violations.

Scene:

Boon and Otter notice Niedermeyer berating Flounder during an ROTC drill. Clearly disturbed by what they see, Otter says, “He can’t do that to our pledges!” Boon immediately replies, “Only we can do that to our pledges!”

If It Happened Today:

Boon and Otter witness the ROTC hazing from a distance. The two are appalled by what they see. Otter states, with disgust, “They can’t do that to our pledges!” Boon replies, “We can’t even do that to our pledges!” The two fill out an anonymous form online reporting the ROTC hazing practices and Niedermeyer gets kicked out of school within the week. Otter and Boon then proceed to haze the living balls off of Flounder behind closed doors, instead of in an open field where any unsuspecting student can see.

Scene:

As the Delta house gets cleared for contraband, Bluto loudly announces, “They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!” Otter tosses him a full fifth of Jack Daniel’s. Bluto chugs the entire bottle and replies, “Thanks. I needed that.”

If It Happened Today:

Bluto chugs the entire bottle and stumbles around in a drunken daze. Minutes later, his Delta brothers notice his skin has a yellowish hue to it, so they immediately call an ambulance. Bluto dies hours later due to catastrophic liver failure.

Scene:

The Deltas take a road trip to nearby Emily Dickinson College, where Otter poses as the fiancé of the now deceased Fawn Liebowitz. Fawn’s friends fall for the scheme and join the Delta brothers for a night on the town.

If It Happened Today:

Fawn’s friends immediately search their deceased friend’s Facebook page for any mention of an Eric “Otter” Stratton. They realize the two have never made contact. The friends immediately turn the Deltas away and send a tip to Jezebel about the frat boys’ folly. Jezebel writes a scathing article condemning Greek life nationwide and the Deltas get kicked off campus.

Scene:

After meeting with Dean Wormer about their unacceptable grade point averages, the Deltas decide to throw a massive toga party to lift their spirits.

If It Happened Today:

The unregistered toga party gets shut down within minutes by the campus police department. Thirty-six Delta brothers are arrested for providing alcohol to minors and the remaining guests are detained for underage consumption. Otis Day and the Knights never get to play “Shout” and the Deltas get kicked off campus.

Scene:

The Deltas, having been kicked off campus and expelled from school, plan a final prank to get revenge on the administration. The brothers create a fake homecoming float and trash the homecoming parade, causing massive amounts of destruction and chaos.

If It Happened Today:

The false homecoming float is immediately targeted by campus security, and the Department of Homeland Security is notified that a terrorist threat has befallen Faber College. Multiple SWAT teams are dispatched to the scene and national news outlets begin to cover the story. The moment Flounder’s reconstructed Deathmobile emerges from the Eat Me float, the brothers of Delta house are neutralized by rooftop snipers. Al-Qaeda is blamed for the attack, and Delta Tau Chi is labeled as a sleeper agent recruitment medium for terrorist organizations. Delta house is kicked off campus, and the surviving brothers are sent to Guantanamo Bay for “questioning.”