Highlights Of My Summer Internship At TFM
10 years ago

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Today marks my last day as a TFM summer intern. The PT Cruiser is all packed up and I’m ready to set free the kid whose TFM internship I stole by pretending to be him. I even bought (and broke in) the seat donut I will sit on for the entire 18-hour drive back to Wisconsin, due to the extensive ass bruising I sustained when I accidentally got hit by a baseball in the basement of the office while I was not getting hazed.

The work environment is great here. The snack room is well-stocked, the Golden Tee is free (for staff–I had to pay $6 per hole), and the employees are really nice! Especially that Roger Dorn fellow. He is a really genuine guy who has great hair and a well-toned torso and he definitely isn’t looking over my shoulder as I type this right now.

I’ve really had a great time interning here. Grandex is a great company and it really treats its interns right. Below are some of the highlights.

  • The time I was ordered to be a human clothes rack during a Rowdy Gentleman photo shoot.


  • The time the staff did the annual kidnapping of the interns and I got dropped off, phoneless, in Texas Hill Country drenched in coyote pee with meat stapled to my clothes.
  • All the time I spent watching porn in the office for “column research.”
  • All the time I spent in intern storage (note: this is not me, it’s TFM intern BlockParty. I was deemed “too ugly” to appear on camera).

  • The time Bacon made me drink the contents of the drip pan from the vegetable drawer of an unplugged refrigerator in the storage closet.
  • The time Lucky Jo drew a picture of my dream.

  • The time I forgot to censor a penis in a photo and lost bathroom privileges for a week.
  • The time I had to deliver snacks to everybody in the office.


  • The time I had to let the Tech Guy spit in my mouth because Ross said he’d fire me if I didn’t let him do it.
  • The times when the staff would send me into the bathroom to inhale all the bad smell away after somebody took a gnarly dump.
  • The time the office ran out of toilet paper and they had to use my clothes.
  • All the times I whooped Bogey Wells’s ass at Golden Tee.

  • The time I got kicked out of my cubicle for farting too much and had to work in the break room for my last 2 weeks.
  • The time I had to work on July 4.
  • All the times Dorn was a huge asshole to me.


I’ll still be writing remotely during the school year, but I’m gonna miss it here. This job demands human interaction that I just don’t get while going to class at DeVry. That lack of experience is probably why I was so bad at human interaction and they all hated me here. Oh well. When I walk out the door for the last time today, I expect to look back over my shoulder and be dismissed the same way as I have been for the past month: with a bird flipped by Dorn while he tells me, “get the fuck out of here you fucking piece of shit.”

Peace out, TFM Headquarters, and #KONY2013.

      3. Call sign_Goose

        I literally hope you die in a house fire. That man is a state treasure you fucking heathen. Go PACK

        10 years ago at 2:21 pm
      7. Tyler Sperry

        Now folks if you look here on the left we have the last recorded human being that hasn’t figured out that DeVry guy doesn’t actually go to Devry University

        10 years ago at 3:45 pm
  9. AlrightAlrightAlrightt

    When you’re not attending rangers and championship sporting events at DeVry you should write an occasional column. You and the PT Cruiser will be missed.

    10 years ago at 5:03 pm