Try-Hard Of The Year Wants To Work For Us – Should We Hire Him?
Grandex recently announced the position opening for Office Manager. The full-time position requires the hired candidate to join our team at our Headquarters in Austin. Suffice it to say, we’ll be spending a lot of time with this person. Since the announcement, we’ve received plenty of résumés and cover letters from worthy and qualified candidates. None of the candidates, however, are as qualified as this guy.
He has skills. Lots of them. He has skills. “Out. The. Ass.” Below is the actual cover letter he sent us.
Frat star? ✓
FaF? ✓
Uses highly inappropriate language and sexual references? ✓
Frat swoop dating back to 1993? ✓
Insulting to current Grandex employees? ✓
Unprofessionalism? ✓✓✓✓✓✓✓✓✓✓✓
A perfect cover letter.
The first thing that jumps out to me is his impressive grasp of the English language. Strong grammar is an under-appreciated rarity these days. He also sent us his résumé. Here’s the thing: the 2012 University of Southern Mississippi graduate actually has some decent credentials (Note: I’m not including his résumé because it could possibly give away his identity). Given his experience, skills, and unbridled audacity, he could dominate this pozish.
Imagine the joy of walking into our office and being greeted at the front desk by a try-hard in a bow tie and inseam-less nuthuggers. Talk about a tone setter. He’d be so excited to be here every day that he’d accomplish every task with unprecedented efficiency and intensity. Kid’s got the heart of a lion, and simply put, we need that around here.
In case you were wondering if he was in a fraternity, here’s the actual four-page portfolio he attached to his email:
We have to get this kid on board. Have to. He has potential coming out of his Chubbies.
[poll id=20]
I’d like to see a video of the entire tfm staff slapping this guy in the face until he cries for his mom
10 years ago at 12:44 pmLost it at “I’m more team oriented than an elephant walk.” What more could you ask for?
10 years ago at 12:44 pmI laugh at people who do elephant walks during pledging. You just disrespected yourself to join a frat. Hahahahag
10 years ago at 10:13 amTo do the elephant walk as part of his interview?
10 years ago at 1:47 pmThese are the types of douches that give fraternities a bad rep.
10 years ago at 12:46 pmSpelling your name with an H gives Eric’s everywhere a bad rep.
10 years ago at 12:56 pmWell the reputation of all Eric’s being in my hands was probably not a good decision anyway
10 years ago at 5:27 pmWell he is obviously being satirical, but maybe you should hire him as a writer and fire SFPL.
10 years ago at 12:47 pmSFPL is more tollerable than Durant… hate that guy and every dumb column he has ever written
10 years ago at 1:05 pmLittle victories?
10 years ago at 3:05 pmYou guys may think he’s joking, but seriously, this is actually a good idea.
10 years ago at 1:11 pmYep. This was hilarious. I almost want to see if his resume is amusing too.
10 years ago at 2:05 pmHis résumé is actually professional.
10 years ago at 2:11 pmDefinitely Skype interview-worthy, if nothing else.
10 years ago at 3:40 pmDorn better post the Skype interview.
10 years ago at 11:04 pmBlur his face and post the skype interview. Let us decide if he’s good for our company.
10 years ago at 1:07 pmThe fact that Roger singled out said try-hard and wrote a column about him tells us he’s already been added to the staff at Grandex.
“Fortune favors the bold.”
10 years ago at 8:49 pmStuff Fat People Like
10 years ago at 1:41 pmBeen sitting on that one for a while, haven’t you?…
10 years ago at 1:54 pmKinda like your sister. On my face.
10 years ago at 2:55 pmNot until he learns subject-verb agreement.
10 years ago at 4:09 pmIsn’t he a little old for you Dorn?
10 years ago at 12:51 pm“When you call ask for daddy like your sister does.” Get this guy on board
10 years ago at 12:53 pmToo bad they’re probably gonna insult him with an offer like $10 an hour and some rowdy gentlemen gear.
10 years ago at 11:49 pmShit, I’d be insulted if I was offered rowdy gentleman gear and any kind of pay.
10 years ago at 6:32 pmIf you don’t hire him I’ll make up some bull shit position to hire him. This guy has what it takes.
10 years ago at 12:59 pmYou’re all try-hards, he will fit right in.
10 years ago at 1:02 pmOh are we, buttchuggg?
10 years ago at 1:06 pmYour a fucking pussy
10 years ago at 1:24 pmYou’re*
10 years ago at 1:28 pmThat literally makes you a bigger pussy.
10 years ago at 1:35 pmYou literally don’t know how grammar works
10 years ago at 1:51 pmYour a fucking Yankee
10 years ago at 2:01 pmQuit fucking up the English language you communist scum.
10 years ago at 2:05 pmStop being insensitive can’t you see he is clearly fratarded… the nerve of some people.
10 years ago at 2:58 pmAt least one other person understands what I am saying, it must be like a subway to everyone else
10 years ago at 8:43 pmYou’re* you’d think after being corrected you’d pick up on that
10 years ago at 9:04 amHe must be a Pike.
10 years ago at 1:31 pmApproved
10 years ago at 1:10 pmYou guys should hire whoever will fuck the interns girlfriend and then stab him.
10 years ago at 1:18 pmWooooah there big guy
10 years ago at 2:04 pmSasha reference.
10 years ago at 2:53 pmWe all know the only girlfriend the intern has ever had is his own left hand.
10 years ago at 2:13 pm