Pumpkin Spice Four Loko Is Here To Make Your Blackouts Taste Like Autumn
Because fuck it, why not? Right?
Every fall, middle class white men between the ages of 25 and 65 rush to the store to pick up a six pack of whatever their favorite pumpkin themed beer might be. At the same time, middle class women across America sprint to Starbucks to guzzle Pumpkin Spice Lattes like they’re a breast cancer vaccine. It’s become an autumn tradition in America to turn everything into pumpkin, so much so that one day a whole generation of children will watch “Cinderella”, see the carriage turn back into a pumpkin at midnight, and think, “What’s the big fuckin’ deal? Pumpkin > carriage. All day.” Kids will also be thinking in greater than and less than signs, by the way. Goddamn internet.
But what about those who don’t have the sophistication of middle class suburbanites with relatively uneventful lives? Where’s the pumpkin flavored beverages for America’s high school alcoholics, hobos, and people from state schools in Arizona and Florida? May I present Pumpkin Spice* Four Loko, here to black you the fuck out in a way that says, “I really enjoy the idea of sweaters, and wildly irresponsible life choices.”
Me? I’ll stick to my pumpkin beer, or putting some pumpkin Schnapps in a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Regardless, there was really no reason for Four Loko not to do this, so, uh, enjoy…whoever would enjoy this.
*No actual pumpkins or any objects even remotely close to a pumpkin were used in the spicing of these Four Lokos, probably..
Darren blacks out off four of these and confronts Todd Storm. Go.
11 years ago at 4:13 pmA few of these and I might be willing to fuck an actual pumpkin
11 years ago at 4:19 pmJust thought I’d tell this story while I have the chance. We actually had an incident at our school of a house getting in trouble for a pledge who drunkenly fucked a neighbors pumpkin during a pledge mission. God knows what kind of pledge mission they had going on, but apparently the rest of the pledges were all around him chanting “FUCK THAT PUMPKIN!”
11 years ago at 5:15 pmBrotherhood at its finest.
Sounds more like a pumpkin gangbang
11 years ago at 2:31 pmThat happened
11 years ago at 3:13 pmShotgun challenge accepted.
11 years ago at 4:51 pmMore importantly, Bacon, what self respecting man admits to drinking pumpkin spice lattes?
11 years ago at 4:57 pmSon, a self respecting man can drink anything he damn well pleases.
11 years ago at 5:01 pmIf that’s what gets you through those lonely wine nights.
11 years ago at 5:20 pmWine is the shit.
11 years ago at 6:57 pmExcept clear alcohols, those are for rich women on diets. – Ronald Swanson
11 years ago at 2:43 am
11 years ago at 5:02 pmI would give it to baby spice
11 years ago at 6:57 pmThis just took white girl wasted to a new level
11 years ago at 5:06 pmThat opening was painfully unfunny. Get it together.
11 years ago at 5:07 pmfinally, you’re everyday mexican woman’s affordable pumpkin spice!
11 years ago at 5:32 pmThese will give a whole new meaning to “white girl wasted”
11 years ago at 6:16 pmBasic bitches everywhere are shedding tears of joy.
11 years ago at 6:58 pm