Former Wall Street Executive Busted For Inside Trading Says He Did Cocaine Daily Because Coffee Gives Him Hellacious Shits
Michael Lucarelli, the former director of market intelligence at Lippert/Heilshorn & Associates who was busted for inside trading, was sentenced to two years and six months in prison on Wednesday by a New York federal judge. Before the sentencing, Lucarelli went on a rather comical rant on what drove him to illegally pocket nearly $1 million in fraudulent profits.
The 52-year-old man was all over the fucking map, blaming his former employer for not giving him full compensation on commissions, and his sexual incompetence that led to a divorce with his wife. Lucarelli even threw his old man under the bus by blaming the turbulent relationship they had growing up. My favorite quote from the whole diatribe has to be his reasoning for doing cocaine on a daily basis.
From NY Daily News:
“I didn’t take the drugs to get high, I did it because I can’t drink coffee — that’s a painful trip to the bathroom,” Lucarelli said.
I absolutely love this play by Lucarelli. The former investor suffers from Crohn’s disease, which is essentially multiple levels of Dante’s Inferno shoved into a person’s digestive track. Dude needs energy to work long hours and coffee is an irritant that can fuck his day up, so cocaine is his next viable option. That’s stone cold logic right there.
I, myself, suffer from the condition and have shamelessly used it to get out of tough spots — mainly whenever I didn’t want to eat my ex’s atrocious cooking. Pulling the Crohn’s card was an absolute veteran move. His mistake was not going all in with it. If he had pinned his actions on the drug addiction and not deluded it with his wife dumping his cuckold ass or Lippert/Heilshorn not paying him enough, I guarantee Mike would face a maximum of three months in rehab..
[via NY Daily News]
Image via Shutterstock
This means Mr. lucarreli can no longer own a gun. And Jack Hammer, I wouldn’t admit to doing cocaine, as it is a felony offense and if you are caught you would lose your job at Grandex and could no longer own a gun. It would also be difficult for you to find a job when you got out if prison because employers in Texas don’t like to hire druggie Criminals.
11 years ago at 1:38 pmJust stop
11 years ago at 1:41 pmDid he say he uses cocaine?
Also, nobody likes to hire druggies/felons. That’s beyond common sense
11 years ago at 1:41 pmYou are right. If the Wolf of Wall Street came to me looking for a job I would say, “Get the fuck out of my office you worthless piece of drug abusing criminal felon piece of human trash.”
11 years ago at 1:46 pm
11 years ago at 1:50 pmYou don’t know anything about the constitution please shut the fuck up. All your comments give me a worse headache than psych did. Just shut up
11 years ago at 1:51 pmJack Hammer doesn’t do cocaine though, he just likes the way it smells.
11 years ago at 1:42 pm1. Don’t think he said anything about him doing cocaine. 2. You suck, please leave.
11 years ago at 1:54 pmGod, you are annoying.
11 years ago at 1:54 pmGet him out of here, Boulevard. Give the people what they want.
11 years ago at 1:55 pmAll of the other mean commenters didn’t phase me. But yours hurts Boulevard. You are my favorite TFM writer and I love your articles.
11 years ago at 1:57 pmGet his dick out of your mouth, man
11 years ago at 2:07 pmYou’re pathetic
11 years ago at 2:13 pmFamous last words – “I didn’t take the drugs to get high”
11 years ago at 1:41 pmHe is not lying.
11 years ago at 1:49 pmHe was on the Gary Busey diet, and clearly it’s working.
11 years ago at 1:54 pmi can haz job at totalfratmove.com? am rlly gud at copy paste and i gotz redit acct to i cn gt all juicy articals.
11 years ago at 1:58 pmHey wait a second…there’s no Ryder or Elizabeth here. I think this might be a Bot
11 years ago at 12:19 pmthanks for moving my comment techguy. now i look like the asshole
11 years ago at 1:01 pmI didn’t use the cocaine to get high, I just liked the way it smelt
11 years ago at 2:01 pmDating girls whose cooking is “atrocious.” NF. You’re better than that Hammer.
11 years ago at 2:02 pmNo he’s not.
11 years ago at 10:17 am“Rich White Wall-Street Guy Is FaF; Does Cocaine, Insider Trades”
11 years ago at 2:05 pmCocaine use doesn’t usually correlate with sexual incompetence…or so I’ve been told.
11 years ago at 2:13 pm“SWIM reports”
11 years ago at 5:44 pmKnowing who SWIM is. TFM.
11 years ago at 9:36 pmHammer, I’m gonna lace your fucking Chinese take out with some hot peppers and spicy ass Mexican beans so that your weird sounding German Crohn disease kicks in and you shit yourself everywhere.
11 years ago at 2:24 pmMaybe then you’ll have a epiphany and put together an actual fucking article.