Michelle Bachmann Thinks The Rapture Is Coming And We Are All Fucked
According to former member of the House, Prophet Michele Bachmann, Jesus has just about had enough of checking up on us in the form of oddly-shaped potato chips and grilled cheesus sandwiches, and is gonna come back for real this time.
From Christian Post:
This is coming faster than anyone can see,” said Bachman during an interview with the “Understanding the End Times” radio program, regarding either Jesus’ impending return or Helen Keller’s sex life. “Jesus Christ is coming back… We in our lifetimes, potentially, could see Jesus Christ returning to earth, the rapture of the Church.
Just in case you’re like me and your church-going attendance is about as consistent as Lebron James’ hairline, the rapture is when Jesus gets fed up with all of our shit, picks his crew to go chill with him at the cool kids table in the sky, and leaves the rest of us sinners here on Earth to be the Yoshi to God’s Pikachu as he spams the B button to rain lightning bolts upon us.
If you think you’ll be safely serving as God’s spotter and giving suggestions on who needs to be smitten next, you may want to think back a few days and keep a tally of just how many times you’ve been a sinning piece of shit. Have you had to jerk off because your date fell asleep as soon as you put in the tip? Boom, that’s a double whammy right there for self-serving your own meat and for sticking your dick in someone without a $20,000 lifetime jail sentence on their ring finger.
Not all will be bad for those of us left here to fry on Earth, though, because we get to have front row seats to the greatest battle royale since Floyd Mayweather’s illiteracy duped him into signing a contract to fight Manny Pacquiao. Except, in this case, you have Jesus standing at 4’7, white, and pissed off, who will square off against the Antichrist, the false prophet, and Satan in the battle of Armageddon. In what sounds like what would be Peter Jackson’s wet dream, this battle encompasses the entire scope of the world, so everybody gets to see Jesus beat the living sulfur out of that red-skinned, trident-yielding asshole as he gets Spartan kicked into the bowels of Hell. But then, when God returns to collect the money that he put on the fight, we die via a barrage of fireballs, disease and a 24/7 loop of Kevin James movies..
[via Christian Post]
Image via YouTube
You hear that? Someone’s crying for publicity.
11 years ago at 5:11 pmCan I just flat out say no? I’m not ready to come back yet.
11 years ago at 5:12 pmfrat lives matter too.
11 years ago at 5:15 pmPreach on Meg.
11 years ago at 10:54 pmThe fact that some of America’s politicians believe this shit is terrifying.
11 years ago at 5:23 pmI’ll gladly take my politicians believing in the Word.
11 years ago at 9:45 pmI was referring more to the whole believing the rapture “will happen in our lifetime” thing. If she and others truly believe it will happen soon, who knows what kind of insane motions will be put forth in congress.
11 years ago at 11:24 pmI wouldn’t. Now I’m not going to say there aren’t level headed religious politicians, but for every one of them, there’s ten lunatics who try to railroad their religious views into policy every chance they get.
11 years ago at 11:52 pmNot to mention separation of church and state, which to me means religion should have no bearing on our politics. We are a nation of multiple religions after all.
11 years ago at 4:49 amI hear you, but she did say “potentially”, which could be true. We just don’t know.
And separation of church and state has no bearing on what influences politicians’ mindsets. The founding fathers didn’t decide that congressmen automatically become atheists the second they step through the Capitol’s doors.
11 years ago at 8:22 amThey don’t have to be atheists they just need to leave their religious beliefs at the door when implementing policy. Sure there are laws that happen to coincide with religious texts but that usually coincidence. ‘Thou shall not steal’ is just common fucking courtesy. But laws such as the lack to recognize homosexual marriage, which really doesn’t have a lot backing it up other than religious beliefs, shouldn’t be implemented any more than a law that says a women needs to wear a shall and be accompanied by a man when she goes out in public.
11 years ago at 10:30 amI’m pretty sure we already established gays don;t deserve there rights.
11 years ago at 10:52 amAnd we already established in significant detail that since you somehow slithered out of your mother’s fetid vagina as the result of said mother and her cousins “foolin’ round in thuh truck,” your opinion is worth less than the gangrenous afterbirth smear that still stains that poor truck’s cloth seats.
11 years ago at 8:11 pmI have to say it takes some balls to post two articles on this site that do not agree with the right-wing. Kudos to you.
11 years ago at 5:29 pmAs right wingers we can see through the bullshit and those who are just bat shit crazy.
11 years ago at 5:46 pmIf the rapture means the end of women’s sports on ESPN … I welcome it.
11 years ago at 5:34 pmswing and a miss.
11 years ago at 5:38 pmTry again next time, chief
11 years ago at 6:06 pmDo less, Captain
11 years ago at 9:56 pmThey have ESPNU, I think it’s time for ESPNW.
11 years ago at 8:34 pmThey do have an ESPN W…
11 years ago at 11:20 pmNot trying to be that guy but, “trident-wielding” no?
11 years ago at 5:35 pmWhile there was nothing fundamentally wrong with this article, you can still go ahead and fuck yourself, ryan_vasicek.
11 years ago at 5:42 pmMichelle Bachman is an idiot.
11 years ago at 5:42 pmI’d hit it
11 years ago at 6:20 pm