The Sharks Of Fraternity Row

SharkWeekTFM11 years ago

You know what, guys? I have done wrong, and I apologize. I have been withholding some special things from you. I thought that I had to wait until our favorite week of the year (Shark Week, obviously) to share some of these important things with you. Some things I will have to hold onto until then, but what I realized is that sharks are important all year round, and some things just can’t wait.

We all know that sharks all share similar qualities. They have gills, they have tails, they are great smell sniffers, and they agree that a good movie can do the heart more good than most people realize. A more commonly shared trait is that they frat. They frat hard. Just like human fratting, shark fratting comes in different forms. There is a special dynamic to the Greek row of the ocean. To better understand sharks’ place on the campus that is the sea, scientists who are also in fraternities have classified species by what kind of fraternity they would be.

Great White Sharks

These guys are top tier, and they know it. They are huge. They have the biggest pledge classes and throw the biggest parties. This frat appears on nearly every campus across the country. Their ubiquity is both an asset and a liability. They are the poster boys for fraternities for better or for worse. If something goes down and a white shark is involved, you know the media is going to have a feeding frenzy and start talking in sweeping generalities about “frat boys” and how they want to eat dogs and children. The image of a white shark is precisely what pops into people’s minds when they think of fraternities.

Hammerheads

These guys can be freaking ginormous themselves, but they don’t come with quite the hype and glorification that the whites do. Regardless, they know they are top tier. They are not wrong. Upon closer inspection, this truth is undeniable. The hammer-shaped head of the hammerheads is indicative of their differentiated but nonetheless legitimate greatness. The strange shape may not look like other fraternities, but if you ask anybody what having a hammer-shaped head means they would say it means that you’re in an awesome fraternity. One theory why hammerheads don’t have pledge classes quite as big as the whites is that they value quality over sheer quantity. The shape of the head acts like a radar for finding the best candidates. Being so picky consequently means this is not a house you see at quite as many schools. Because they get it right the first time, their black ball ratio is one of the lowest in all of sharkdom.

Bull Sharks

This frat is extremely common. They are another stereotype that come to peoples mind when they think of fraternities. However, they are a bunch of meatheads taking vaguely homoerotic selfies in the bathroom at the gym together. They think that all the time they spend in the gym is going to pay off when they finally finish that calendar in which there will be similarly homoerotic images of naked members covered only in Santa hats or dumb shit like that. While it’s obvious to everyone else that the calendar is the worst idea ever, and no one will want to buy it, these guys will contend that you should at least get it because it’s for philanthropy. When these guys say philanthropy they mostly mean a small portion goes to charity while a majority of the money will go to special additives meant for the drinks they serve at parties. To them, the dad body is a sign that you don’t have your priorities straight. They think you’re more concerned with girls, drinking, and fostering meaningful relationships with the sharks you’ve gone through more than you are about graduating with six pack abs. Another unusual aspect is that bull sharks can swim a considerable amount of time in freshwater. While this would be an asset to many fraternities, for the bull sharks this ability manifests itself as an ability to blend seamlessly in within a group of geeds without even really trying.

Tiger sharks

This house is known for their propensity for eating or bidding anything they come across. Turtle? Nom. License plate? Nom. Swivel chair with 360-degree swivel, lumbar support, and adjustable height? Duh! A suit of armor? Why not? This guy started the quidditch club at his high school? That’s leadership right there! Bid. This Laissez Faire attitude about pledging contributes to their size and visibility on many campuses but keeps them off the list of sharks with a lot of credibility and quality. They don’t see their difference as inferiority. They just consider themselves TShTC.

Black Tip Reef shark

Middle or lower tier depending on the school and number of other houses on campus. Nothing is particularly characterizing about these guys. Run-of-the-mill fraternity who think they are “at the very least second tier.” They think Animal House and Finding Nemo were based on their group from back in the day. Will usually pair with the sorority that no one else talks to.

Goblin Shark

These guys live way down in the dark depths of the frat world. They started (and remain) in one dude’s parents’ basement as a bunch of guys who played Dungeons and Dragons together. Dungeon Master decided that the players’ party relationship would be strengthened if they were to go through some super weird initiation. They considered colonizing a national fraternity that barely exists but chose to start their own local fraternity, very possibly with the totally clever moniker of “Delta & Delta.” These guys should probably relegate themselves to a service fraternity.

Nurse sharks

Complete goobers who didn’t get a bid from any other fraternity so made their own. You know exactly who these guys are. If you don’t then you might just be them yourself..