Rambo Is Going To Straight Murder ISIS In The Franchise’s Next Film, “Rambo: Last Blood”

Rob Fox10 years ago

You better watch your asses, ISIS, because Asian servers at Bob Evans aren’t the only ones who have a deadly Vietnam vet with PTSD coming for them.

Sylvester Stallone confirmed the existence of a new “Rambo” movie at Comic Con this past week

In “Rambo: Last Blood,” titular character John Rambo will once again be swinging his SAW in one arm and his dick in the other as he takes on his most fearsome foe since Brian Dennehy. The Islamic State will serve as Rambo’s latest brown antagonist in the series’ next installment, which will see star Sylvester Stallone’s special ops enforcer drop in on the Middle East to explode shit for America in a film at least one studio executive has already described as “*long snorting noise* Badass, let’s fucking do that!”

Thankfully, “Rambo: Last Blood” will also strive to live up to the lofty standards of the Rambo franchise’s trademark realism.

“We have teams scouting Iraq and parts of Syria where ISIS have their greatest strongholds,” Stallone said. “We’re working with the locals there to help deliver the most intense and realistic Rambo movie experience ever.”

“Mr. Kala…bala…whatever, what sound do you people make when a large knife is expertly thrown into your trachea?”

Most hotly anticipating the film’s release are the liberal bloggers anxiously waiting to be wildly offended by “Rambo: Last Blood” and tell you why a movie that will almost certainly feature a “heads or tails” pun after someone narrowly escapes a beheading is disgustingly racist and everything that’s wrong with America. I can’t decide if I want this movie to come out just to see all these people unnecessarily cry over it, or if I hope it doesn’t get made so I can avoid another wave of outrage across my social media feeds that will make me want to trade in my iPhone for a flip phone and limit my web use solely to ESPN and pornography. I will cut out that other 15% of my internet use if I have to.

In all honesty, I’m just not that excited about Rambo taking on ISIS. If we’re going to make a dumb movie about fighting ISIS, let’s get really fucking dumb with it, you know? Plus Rambo is played out. Let’s use a hot franchise. Make it a “Fast and Furious” sequel. Vin Diesel crashing an American muscle car through the wall of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s hideout, telling al-Baghdadi his biggest mistake wasn’t chopping off heads or having the hubris to believe he was Muhammad’s successor, but that it was messing with Diesel’s family (by that point in the film it will have been well established that all of America is now Vin Diesel’s family), and then knocking al-Baghdadi out cold with one punch would have me chugging the rest of the 30-pack of Busch I definitely brought into the theater to watch the movie with in patriotic celebration.

But yeah, Rambo is going to kill the shit out of ISIS in a theater near you at some point, so get ready for that..

Or not?

A representative for Sylvester Stallone says the “Rocky” star will not be fighting ISIS in an upcoming “Rambo” movie, according to Rolling Stone.

Though “Rambo: Last Blood” still might exist, Stallone’s rep denies a plotline that has anything to do with ISIS, or that the actor even attended Comic Con, where some reports said he made comments about the upcoming film.

I guess you’re off the hook for now, ISIS.

[via Business Insider]