Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Sigma Chi

Dan Regester11 years ago

Some people are brothers of Sigma Chi. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Sigma Chi. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Sigma Chi.

The Notre Dame of Greek organizations. A “prestigious” Christian based national brand that shovels an unbearable sense of self worth and entitlement down our throats regardless of a lack of recent success solely because of the name on their chest. You know the kid at the gym that throws up 225 once, gets up off the bench flexing, and immediately heads over to the mirror to check himself out? That’s Sigma Chi. Sure, you’re slightly above average, but in your own mind, you’re God’s gift to mankind — heaven’s beacon of light in this otherwise dark and hopeless world. I shit you not, some chapters in the south actually refer to themselves as the “True Sons of Christ.”

But this isn’t a fraternity so much as it is a Jonestown cult that mindlessly drinks the douche juice. Pledges dress like door-to-door Jehovah’s Witnesses and have their Norman Shields glued to their hands at all times, never leaving home without them. After weeks of being indoctrinated, good guys — your buddy from high school, your cousin, even your own blood brother — come out of the process as a new Sig and a giant insufferable tool shed with a serious superiority complex. Even Scientology thinks what Sigma Chi is doing is fucked up.

Size:

242 current undergraduate chapters. Over 300,000 members have donned the blue and old gold over an “illustrious” 160 year period. There’s no denying the list of alumni is extremely impressive, but statistically speaking, it was virtually impossible to not have a few stumble into success. Even a creepy cult for blind squirrels finds a nut every now and then. For every graduate brother worth noting, how many more murderers, pedophiles, and vegetarians have shouted “In Hoc!” during their collegiate days? Not claiming those men of “high ideals”, huh Sigma Chi?

Founded:

Sigma Chi was the result of an internal conflict between members of Miami University’s Delta Kappa Epsilon chapter. The fraternity was split, dead-even, over who would be named Head Poet or some gangster ass position like that for the Erodelphian Literary Society. #ThugLife After it was apparent that these were irreconcilable differences, Benjamin Piatt Runkle, Thomas Cowan Bell, Isaac M. Jordan, Daniel William Cooper, Franklin Howard Scobey, and 14-year-old James Parks Caldwell were all eventually expelled by the parent chapter at Yale. For those keeping score at home, we now have a new leader in the clubhouse for both the youngest to get kicked out of one Greek organization and start another. He’s the Jordan Spieth of being blackballed.

The DKE outcasts then started Sigma PHI in the summer of 1855 and added William Lewis Lockwood into the mix. Apparently none of the original six were competent enough to handle the chapter’s finances. Plus, Lockwood promised they could use his Aunt’s “dope crib” for meetings so long as they kept noise to a minimum and were finished with business by sundown. I’m not entirely sure if that’s exactly how Will put it, but then again, this fraternity has a knack for rewriting the words that came out of their founders’ mouths.

Less than a year into existence, the fraternity’s constitution, ritual, seals, records, and all other documentation of importance were stolen straight out of Lockwood’s room. In maybe the savviest move of any Greek organization in history, the sensational seven changed their name to Sigma Chi.

“You didn’t steal our secrets, you stole Sigma Phi’s. We’re Sigma Chi. Big difference. When did we change our name? I don’t know what you’re talking about. And actually, I’m deeply offended you’d even mention us in the same breath as those boner Sigma Phis. We’re Sigma Chi. Always have been, always will be. Sigma Chi ’till the day I die. What about DKE? IN HOC!”
– Probably something Benjamin Piatt Runkle said.

Famous Brothers:

You’re undoubtedly one of the most stacked top-to-bottom alumni bases across the board. From Brad Pitt to Woody Harrelson to Mike Ditka, the list is seemingly endless. Yet, that’s precisely what makes you all so intolerable. Like the balding, FUPA rocking, 20-something-year-old who still wears his letterman jacket to the local water hole, current members stroke themselves off to the delusional romanticization of years past. And like that grotesque blob sitting at the bar, most of you had nothing to do with winning state.

From The Horse’s Mouth:

Brother Kyle

The postgrad Sigma Chi job networking Facebook group is a bunch of unemployed degenerates asking for free job offers because they were too lazy during college, and the whole time you have to resist posting “Hey guys, I’m actually gainfully employed and my Roth IRA is fucking killing it right now”

Brother David

“We have different temperaments, talents, and convictions, man.”
*Points to token art major and token black kid, both still wearing Ralph Lauren and croakies*

Brother John

We look for men with “different temperaments, talents, and convictions.” So we’re basically a glorified version of TKE.

Brother Mario

One of our founders was 14. Why the fuck were a bunch of dudes in their 20s bro-ing out with a child?

Brother Justin

Luke Bryan was a Sig, so you can thank us for helping contribute to the abortion that is now modern day country music..

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Kappa Sigma

In case you missed the others:

KA

TKE

ATO

FIJI