BREAKING: Consensual Sex Occurs In Fraternity House
9 years ago

frathouse

School officials were baffled Sunday morning after hearing that a female student willingly took part in consensual sex at an off-campus fraternity house this past weekend.

“Yeah, we fucked,” said Jennifer Evans, 21, of Oakmont Park. “Like, a lot.”

A witness spotted Evans leaving the Beta Delta fraternity house Sunday morning wearing an oversized rush t-shirt that was clearly not hers, and immediately reported the incident to campus police. The university confirmed that the address in question was indeed that of a fraternity house, and immediately revoked Beta Delta’s status as a registered student organization, banning the chapter from returning to campus for at least four years.

Even after hearing Evans’ stunning testimony, however, Dean of Students Terry Millhouse maintains belief that Evans was sexually assaulted.

“This can be a tricky situation for the victim,” Dean Millhouse said. “We need to respect her privacy at this time, and hope that, some day, she feels comfortable enough to tell us what really happened.”

“I don’t know what more the university wants from me,” Evans told Total Frat Move. “I told the truth. Was I supposed to lie?”

In the meantime, Dean Millhouse has made it clear that the university will be standing by their decision to ban Beta Delta.

“We stand by our punishment,” said Millhouse. “Maybe Ms. Evans wasn’t sexually assaulted, though she probably was, but we’re paving the way for future generations of women to avoid these bastions of unsavory hedonism and the perpetuation of rape culture.”

Repeated calls to the Beta Delta chapter house for comment went unanswered. Phone service records tell us this may be because their phone bill hasn’t been paid since 1987.

      1. Hossdelgado

        Poe’s Law, look it up. Shit like this is so believable that it’s hard to distinguish from satire.

        9 years ago at 3:14 pm
  4. OmegaCollections

    You’re weird as fuck DeVry Guy and I thoroughly respect that. Good shit as always.

    9 years ago at 3:09 pm
      1. TokenAlphaBro

        So then are you under the impression that the prototypical easy-fuck slut is an upstanding,conservative woman who believes in traditional gender roles?

        9 years ago at 5:14 pm
  6. starsandstripes94

    Waiting for the media outlets to get a hold of this and change the title to “Unwanted sex occurs in fraternity house.”

    9 years ago at 3:20 pm
      1. starsandstripes94

        I think you’ve all got me wrong here, I understood the satire behind the article, just wouldn’t be shocked to see a media outlet try to twist this. Regardless lacin up.

        9 years ago at 3:43 pm
  10. Gamefrock69

    Not a whole lot of consensual rape goes on at that SAE house you used as the headline picture tbh

    9 years ago at 3:26 pm
    1. fratsohardUn1versity

      Nah revolution is coming. Just like Europe where liberals are turning it to a shit hole and letting millions of third world immigrants come in and claim society and dictate terms to them. Europeans even in the most liberal places like Milan London and Paris, have had enough. I think this is why people are voting for Trump. There has been so much anger boiling by the silent majority, who are in fact silenced because they dont want all the shaming from the social justice warriors….What I am saying is that there is still hope

      9 years ago at 7:51 am