University Of Michigan Implements Asinine Policy To Stop Freshman From Drinking And Doing Drugs

Harrison Lee10 years ago

The University of Michigan just implemented an extreme new policy in an attempt to get freshman students to put down the beer, drop the drugs, and just be sober citizens. And this policy is totally going to be effective, you guys.

From The College Fix:

A notice to students announcing the policy stated in part that: “We will notify parents of first-year students when a student under the age of 21 has had a second alcohol or drug violation or when a first-year student has committed a violation accompanied by other serious behavior such as needing medical attention, significant property damage or driving under the influence.”

Oh no! Not the parents! Don’t tell the parents! Anyone but the parents!

Here’s exactly how one of those phone calls will go down:

Michigan: “Hello sir, we are calling to inform you that your underage son was caught with a 12-pack of light beer in his dormitory, and he is, in fact, not of legal drinking age.”

Father: *click*

Michigan: “Hello? Sir? Did you faint from shock?! Do you need assistance?!”

*dial tone*

What kind of naive parent thinks that their freshman kid is going off to college and isn’t hitting the bottle and the pipe and the needle? We’re kids. We’re young and free for the first and last time in our lives. Fuck outta here, Michigan..

[via The College Fix]