I Have The Best Fantasy Football Team Name Of All-Time
After being “Team Borislow” for far longer than I care to admit, I set out to have the best fantasy football team name in the league. Little did I know, I would end up with the (me-proclaimed) greatest fantasy football team name of all-time.
Even though I was swagging out at a respectable 0-1 in the Grandex A-Team fantasy football league — an unbelievably misleading name considering we are the second best league out of the two at the company — I knew it was time for a change. Our league already had some pretty good names — Do The Sankey Leg, Carlos Hyde Ya Kids Hide Ya Wife, God Hates Jags — so I knew I had to do some research to reach the pinnacle of fantasy football nomenclature.
Andy Dalton’s Carpet? That’s just weird.
Ryan Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzryan? No, too played out.
Ray Rise? Nah, not sure people will get the elevator pun.
Then I came across the name that would change fantasy football team names forever: Jeff Tuel
Jeffrey Victor Tuel is a 24-year-old quarterback out of Washington State. You may remember him as the quarterback who was going to start in the Buffalo Bills’ 2013 season opener before it was determined E.J. Manuel was healthy enough to play. After his brief stint with the Bills, Tuel was claimed off of waivers by the Jacksonville Jaguars in the 2015 pre-season.
Although he was cut during the Jaguars’ move to a 75-man roster, Tuel was with the Jags long enough to get his name into the ESPN Fantasy Football player database, meaning his name was fair game for getting punnified. And what did I, in a moment of clarity, decide to do with it?
Jeff Tuel Can’t Melt Steel Beams.
Well, technically, it’s “Jeff Tuel Can’t Melt Steelbeams” because those pencil pushers over at ESPN weren’t willing to dish out an extra character for your boy. Doesn’t matter, though — already got a win under the belt with the new-and-improved franchise.
Look how well that name works! Just a simple switch of the “f” and the “t” and you’ve got the battle cry of the moronic keyboard warrior 9/11 conspiracy theorist. Do you know who likes making fun of 9/11 conspiracy theorists? Me. Do you know who likes it more?
Jeff Motherfuckin’ Tuel.
@DeVryGuy give me a torch I bet I could
— Jeff Tuel (@qb10jvt) September 21, 2015
Happy footballing, y’all..
Mine is called The Steve Holts, I pick up all the worst players or players that are obviously never going to play like Aaron Hernandez and I persistently bother everyone in the league with stupid trades and shoving shitty articles down there throats.
10 years ago at 3:33 pmSlow down man. You’re scaring the children.
10 years ago at 3:37 pmQuit putting that face all over this website. Fuck.
10 years ago at 3:36 pmQuit telling Timmy he can have a popsicle if he gets in your van.
10 years ago at 3:37 pmQuit putting your face through the bathroom windows at the all boys orphanage.
10 years ago at 3:38 pmSorry you can’t grow a beard, Dillon.
10 years ago at 3:39 pmPlease don’t fire me I’m sorry.
10 years ago at 3:39 pmWho is Dillion
10 years ago at 3:39 pmDon’t even act like I edited my comment. You just can’t read.
10 years ago at 3:40 pmMaybe you edited mine. You attractive young men over there at Grandex tend to do that
10 years ago at 3:43 pmSteve Holt drafted Vinatieri in the first round. #BlackBallSteveHolt
10 years ago at 4:06 pmI fought the law and the law won
10 years ago at 11:12 pmYou’re beautiful just the way you are DeVry
10 years ago at 3:41 pmClaiming to be the best of all time, completely disregarding the validity of such accusation. TFM
10 years ago at 3:37 pmmy managers a fucking geed and made us have a location in our name. so the titz (actual city in germany) clit whisperers it is
10 years ago at 3:39 pmI thought this article was a waste of my poop time, but the Twit reply from the man himself pulled it all together.
10 years ago at 3:41 pmMine is called TFM, coz all it does is let me down.
10 years ago at 3:43 pmPretty sure Jeff didn’t pick up on the joke.
10 years ago at 3:45 pmDude flat out that name sucks. Got my gym shoes on for that Laps. Toss em
10 years ago at 3:47 pmIf Jeff Tuel can get a blue check on his Twitter, anyone can.
10 years ago at 3:54 pmSo Jeff Tuel was been around prior to the Jags, if you were worth your salt in fantasy football you would know he even started a couple of times for the Bills. Good to see you at least know how to use word play and can type it into a keyboard though, congrats.
10 years ago at 3:56 pm