Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Sigma Phi Epsilon

Dan Regester9 years ago

Some people are brothers of Sigma Phi Epsilon. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Sigma Phi Epsilon. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Sigma Phi Epsilon

Sig Ep is basically those comically bad weight loss infomercials from the ’90s.

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A deep but not overly threatening voice narrates. “Are you ready to change your life FOREVER?!?”

Quick cut from brother to brother talking about the Balanced Man Program.

Brother 1
“The BMP made me into the socially ept person that stands before you today. What’s that? You need me to annunciate and speak up for the camera? I thought that was pretty good.”

Brother 2
“I never thought fraternity life was for me. With twelve gen ed credit hours, my schedule was just too swamped to go through the typical pledge process. But then I learned about the BMP and how I’d be a full member from day one. Now if I don’t show up to chapter events, I’m not a blackballed pledge, I’m just another apathetic asshole brother!”

Brother 3
“It really gets my dick hard whenever I unlock an Xbox accomplishment. That’s why when I heard about the BMP’s challenge database, I knew Sigma Phi Epsilon was for me. Now I just walk around fully cocked at all times.”

Brother 4
“This program works. Okay. I haven’t felt this good since my sex change.”

Wonky Powerpoint flip transition.

Fraternity Spokesperson
“Hey, hi, hello there. Sig Ep here. College can be an overwhelming venture. You’ve never made a decision on your own up to this point, so why start now? Well gentlemen, I have some fantastic news. Rush us and you’ll never have to. For only eight easy semester payments of $999.99 you can have all the advantages of being a member of the Greek community without any of the real work.”

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Feel free to use that script for your next promotional video, Sig Ep.

The crazy thing is, nothing I wrote above was out of line or even a stretch of the truth. Again, we have another fraternity that has done away with the pledge process on a national level. But what really separates Sig Ep from the pack in terms of general awfulness is the aforementioned challenge database. Do you not have a clue what to do now that you’re in the fraternity? Don’t worry. They got you covered with “400 Ways To Be A Fucking Person.”

I shit you not, the list includes but is not limited to:

1. Participate on an intramural sports team.
2. Discuss different religions around the world.
3. Host a movie night.
4. Learn how to tie a bow-tie.
5. Attend yoga or a group exercise.
6. Put a gun to your head and off yourself. Seriously, do it. If you can’t find different avenues of entertainment on your own, in college of all places, you shouldn’t live on this planet anymore.

Size:

Next to Pike, Sig Ep has the most undergraduate brothers in the country with over 15,000 “Balanced Men” through sound mind and sound body. Jesus. Between that and the daily planners that tell you to keep a functioning heartbeat, your organization is essentially the girl with a name like Liv or Ellie that moves out to the west coast for a PR job immediately after graduation and revels in basic yuppie bitch life.

I mean, you suggested attending a yoga class as one of your challenges. What’s next? Will socials be replaced by brotherhood wine and cheese tastings? Will all house beer be seasonal? Will gluten-free be chapter mandated? Let’s pump the breaks actually. It’ll only be encouraged. Don’t want to be exclusive now. This is Sig Ep after all, where it doesn’t matter who you are, there’s no bouncer at the door, you’re in.

Founded:

By transfer student and former Rutgers Chi Phi, Carter Ashton Jenkens, after his request to start a Chi Phi chapter at Richmond was denied by nationals. He proceeded to round up 11 more rejects from around campus who were spurned by the college’s five other fraternities and start Sigma Phi Epsilon in 1901. At least you’ve been consistent with your recruitment policies since day one.

The majority of these prickly peckers, including Jenkens, were studying to become ordained ministers, so your organization more or less started as a seminary. Take that for what you will. But just because I’m not picking that low hanging fruit, doesn’t mean you can’t. Let your imagination run wild.

Famous brothers that suck:

For allowing just about anyone in, you don’t have many prominent alumni. It’s rather pathetic, actually.

Famous brothers that don’t suck:
John Goodman, Rich Gannon, Orel Hershiser.

From the horse’s mouth:

Brother Kevin

“Our chapter’s “house” is two floors in the study lounge of a residence hall with a non-brother RA that we can’t even drink in. On top of that, we have a brother who dresses up like Michael Jackson practically every day, knows all the choreography to Billie Jean, and is addicted to Bubble Tea. It somehow is a spectacle at every mixer when he starts doing the same exact dance each time we play that song. Nothing makes a sorority more likely to mix with you than a brother that dances like The King of Pop himself.

Brother Jeremy

I’m a SigEp at a prominent Big 12 school and every year we have a weekend retreat for the pledges to learn about the balanced man bullshit. It’s glorified team building and was the worst weekend of my entire freshman year. The only entertainment is that other chapters in the surrounding areas come and god damn do we have some scoobs. Balanced man is the biggest bullshit in the world and none of the big chapters even remotely follow its guidelines. Our nationals are shit and have turned us into a laughingstock.

Brother Mason

Every single member from other chapters that I’ve met suck. So that must mean I suck too.

Brother Matt

Nationals are basically trying to turn SigEp into a business fraternity with no pledging.

Brother Jack

Our Alumni are a joke. You know how most fraternities have alumni that throw down for bar tabs or buy everyone rounds, while they tell crazy stories from the glory days. Well this is not so here at Sig Ep. On Saturday at our pre game we literally had two random 45 year old alumni roaming around the 2nd floor yelling about how they wanted some young pussy, which in turn ran off all the girls. They also repeatedly tried to call “chapter” and threatened to fight us if we didn’t find them beer asap. Eventually we found one passed out hugging the basement bathroom, while the other guy was asleep on a kids couch.

Brother O.J.

Our chapter gives out a “Balanced Man Scholarship” to incoming freshman. However, nationals controls this scholarship and as a result our chapter is forced to give out the scholarship before formal rush even takes place. This is obviously a terrible policy because you would think you would want to give a scholarship from SigEp to a future brother in SigEp. I remember last year we ended up just giving up on trying to give it to one of our PNMs and just let nationals handle it. They ended up giving it to a kid who didn’t even rush us. Now there’s a kid in Sammy here that has a SigEp scholarship.

Also, a few weeks back, our chapter was featured on TFM for a great rush video. Not only was this video different than most of the ones featured (had great content from a mix of parties, philanthropy events, fraternity trips/formal, and football games) we literally edited all the alcohol out of the video. (My pledge brother made the video and he spent an entire week air brushing alcohol out of individual frames). After that, we had the video approved by our chapter’s alumni board (who loved it) and IFC (their stamp of approval was the opening slide). Sure enough, within the hour of y’all posting it, Nationals calls the president. They give no reason why anything is wrong with the video, in fact they even admit there was no trace of alcohol in it. They just insist it doesn’t align with “the values at SigEp.”

Definitive Reason You Suck:

You’re the participation trophy or “spirit award” of Greek life.

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Alpha Epsilon Pi

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In case you missed the others:

Beta Theta Pi

SAE

PIKE

Lambda Chi

Phi Delt

Kappa Sigma

Sigma Chi

KA

TKE

ATO

FIJI