Solo Destroys Starbucks And Dunkin’ Donuts In Holiday Cup War With New Festive Party Cups

Jared Borislow9 years ago

While the (for some reason) newsworthy holiday cup war has mostly been considered a two-sided battle between Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts, Solo decided to enter it and immediately went game over on the whole thing. War’s done. Solo – 1, coffee dorks – 0.

Check out Solo’s awesome, festive cup designs for this year’s holiday season.

So great. So minimalist. They get across the exact point that Solo is trying to make: “it’s December and cold as shit outside, so shut the hell up and get fucked up, you oversensitive dweebs.” They even have a blue option for the semites out there, an unprecedented move that surely secured them victory in this year’s war.

Donny “Eggplant Hammock” Dormand, president of the local chapter of the Beta Delta fraternity, is ecstatic about Solo’s choice in holiday cups.

“Yeah, these things are great. We already have a shit ton of them stockpiled, so we are able to put some of our Christmas decoration fund money to better use,” Dormand said. “We’ve decided to transfer it into our pledge education fund. We’re gonna use this newly freed-up money to buy a ton of corn niblets, then have that be the only thing that half the pledges are allowed to eat during Hell Week. They can’t chew it though – they’ve gotta swallow it whole. Then, we’re going to save their shits, which at this point will look kinda like ears of corn, and feed it to the other half of the pledges. Market it as the new “cobless corn.” They’re going to be so emaciated by this point that they won’t realize that this makes absolutely zero sense. Of course they won’t be allowed to chew their corn, either. Then we’re going to feed their corn poops back to the original pledges. It’s going to save us a ton of money on food this Hell Week. Thanks, Solo!”

These spirited cups will turn beer pong into “holiday cheer pong,” flip cup into “Old Saint Nick cup,” and King’s cup into “Newborn King’s cup.” I recommend getting yours today before some of your fellow students find them offensive and publicly shame you for buying them..

Image via Shutterstock