Why Your University Sucks: Clemson

Dan Regester9 years ago

Some people are students at Clemson University. But many, many more people are NOT students at Clemson University. This TFM school review is for those in the latter group.

Your school:

Clemson University. The cubic zirconia created by the pressure of a pent-up, bursting septic tank that is the South Carolina education system. Being the best public institution of higher learning in the Palmetto State essentially means you have the least amount of Ritalin-popping, dyslexic inbreds that would go to the “sunshine trailers” in the schools’ parking lots once faculty gave up altogether on these nitwits who couldn’t color inside the lines by the 5th grade. Don’t chew on your binder, Jimmy. But rather than take the majority of the state’s population behind the shed and put down these poor moronic bastards, they just give them acceptance letters to Coastal Carolina.

Everyone else who can spell their names correctly — the majority of the time — and still have full control of their bodily functions are fast-tracked to either Columbia or Clemson. By some divine miracle, out-of-staters, who only make up about 40 percent of the student population, put the damn school on their backs and make Clemson the 21st ranked public national university according to the U.S. News & World Report.

Clemson, as a town, has all of the suppressed racial tension of Charleston with none of the charm. That’ll happen when you only put in about half a block of shit to do to get your mind off the fact that you’re living on a former antebellum cotton plantation. Have you seen the ESPN live from Clemson this week for the national championship? You’re trying to tell me some rundown gas station is the nicest landmark in the area? How am I supposed to drink away my white guilt when there’s maybe two, three bars in the whole damn city and they close at midnight on Saturdays? Yeah, I’ll pass on that 45-minute drive to get “lit” in Greenville.

Undergraduate population:

22,698 mostly country bumpkins who thought the big city living of Columbia, South Carolina was too much to handle. New age infrastructure like sidewalks and railroads must mystify these unprogressive boonie living simpletons. No wonder it was so easy for Balfour to convince the entire student body to buy college class rings before going alumni. Show these dopes anything shiny and they’re in complete astonishment.

I guess the concept of a win never translated either, as students storm the field after EVERY single home game. It doesn’t matter if it’s a win against a top 10 Florida State team, or a loss to a putrid Wake Forest, it’s become tradition for these goobers in orange and purple to “gather at the paw” once the clock hits zero. They’re just “ALL IN.”

Your mascot:

You unoriginal pricks shamelessly just jacked Auburn’s shtick back in 1896. Walter Riggs, the father of Clemson football, not only brought over the Tigers nickname from his alma mater, he actually just reused the navy and orange Auburn jerseys when starting the Clemson program. Then some hack equipment manager washed the jerseys, turned the navy to a more purplish color, and now we’re stuck with the most obnoxious color combination in all of sports. You had one job, equipment guy.

Tony the Tiger’s molested-as-a-child-turned-abusive-and-date-rapey-to-women cousin.

Your campus:

I’m not about p.c. culture — obviously — or retroactively renaming buildings a century after the fact, but I’d go ahead and retroactively rename Tillman Hall, Clemson. Benjamin Tillman was an incredibly huge piece of shit. He’s one of the most corrupt, fanatical scumbags in the history of this country, who, by the way, murdered people who went against his ideologies and owned that fact. But yeah, go ahead and plaster his name on the most iconic building on your campus. Football and indirect racism: That’s what Clemson does.

Your tradition:

Between the aforementioned “gathering at the paw” and class rings, along with a homecoming pep rally called Tigerama, I’m under the impression that the university is just a glorified high school gymnasium. Is some girl named Tammy, along with three other overly enthusiastic kids on the “spirit committee,” just hanging streamers and posting flyers for the big dance everywhere on a two-figure budget?

Meanwhile, the alma mater salute is straight out of 1940s Berlin. You senselessly idolize a rock from the barren wastelands of California with no connection to your school and decided to make that a thing while unnecessarily having your players run down an awkward incline, and you hold another damn pep rally for the first Friday of the football season because what the hell else is there to do in town.

Your athletics:

For the love of God, just beat Bama.

What might not suck:

Dabo dancing.

From the horse’s mouth:

Stephanie

Downtown blows. Want to go out? Cool. You’ve hit every good place within a week, and none are within walking distance.

Dave

Even though the football team is doing well, Clemson IS an ACC school yet the basketball team is atrocious.

Jack

“ALL IN” is a poor man’s “Roll Tide.”

Will

Dabo is one of the loudest voices against paying NCAA football players. He also has players baptized on the 50 yard line. DeAndre Hopkins was literally “born again” on the football field.

Want to be part of the next school review? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your school sucks: personal anecdotes, tribulations with the administration, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.

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