Leap Day Is Bullshit

Dan Regester10 years ago

Leap Day,

I’m on to you, you selfish son of a bitch. You think your inconsistent, good-for-nothing bum ass can just come and go like an alcoholic, in-and-out-of-jail deadbeat dad trying to reconnect and win back the love of his kids with one overcompensating visit to make up for years of neglect and missed child support? You talk a big game about being an extra day to pay off rent, but I see right through the con man that stands before me today. You’re not really an extra day to pay off rent at all, are you, Leap Day? Not when I’m putting in hours of my life at the office — pro bono — like some sort of self-righteous dingleberry volunteering at the local soup kitchen, feeding the ungrateful eyesores of humanity that are the homeless. Companies everywhere are downright stealing from their salaried employees today — both out of pocket and from the little precious time we have in this thing called life all in your name.

Plus, you’re adding another bleak, winter day to easily the worst month of the year. How many more people are going to off themselves from another twenty-four hours of meaningless NBA regular season basketball and seasonal affective disorder spurred depression? How many more innocent lives will be lost from icy road induced car wrecks or fall victim to seemingly frozen lakes that give out like a trap door in a haunted mystery mansion cartoon? Think of the cost, you fickle bastard. That blood is on your hands.

You’re a fraud. A systematic error. An agenda driven product of both the left wing liberal media and corrupt, money-grubbing lobbyists alike. Get your scientific data and facts out of my face. I’ve made up my mind, and there’s no going back.

Besides, your math’s inconsistent. A year is 365.25 days yet you don’t grace us with your presence every four years. It has to be divisible by four but not by one-hundred? Kick rocks, you conceited douche. I’m done dealing with decimal points and fractions. Get your quarter-ish day out of my face and round that mofo down. Anyone that fucks with loose change nowadays is a complete psychopath. Not to mention, you’re supposedly still off by twenty-six seconds each year. Just throw that shit in the tip jar, and be done with it. None of us are going to be around for 4909 when all that excess time apparently matters, anyway.

Julius Caesar tried to fuddle around with your fire and got burnt for his efforts. Well, stabbed to be more historically accurate. Over and over and over and over again. It was a massacre of an execution brought on solely by the introduction of your core concept, Leap Day, and the enrage it created amongst intellectual senators who fought the good integer fight.

Pope Gregory XIII, the mastermind behind contemporary you and the Gregorian calendar that we currently use, was in the pockets of Big Copper. 29 is not only the amount of days in February during your reign of terror but it’s also the atomic number of Copper on the periodic chart. Coincidence? Absolutely not. Popes in the 1500s were corrupt and Vatican City was built on roads of Copper. That’s just indisputable, cold hard fact.

You’ve caused a lot of unwarranted pain, L.D. Individuals all across the world born on your sham day are subjected to a lifetime of hernia provoking, painfully unfunny jokes about “not looking their age.” You did that. The tradition of overeager girls wanting to lock down their man and ruining perfectly healthy relationships by giving him an uncomfortable ultimatum with a proposal of their own? You’re responsible. The coat hanger abortion of a movie that was inspired by that custom? That’s on you, too. Must be real easy to sleep at night, you sadistic prick.

You’re bullshit, Leap Day, and it’s time for us to take a stand..

Image via Shutterstock