The Official 2016 Frat Bracket: Sweet Sixteen

Jared Borislow10 years ago

Forget March Madness; this is March Fratness. The most fraternal objects, concepts, and actions, all duking it out to see what will reign supreme as 2016’s most frat thing — 100% decided by all of you. After a round of 32 that saw two 1 seeds fall in massive upsets, we’re now onto the Sweet Sixteen.

Let’s get to our first region.

Note: Bracket regions are named after the four main frat regions in a purely ceremonial manner. The things listed under them do not necessarily have any specific relationship with that respective frat region.

#1 Natural Light vs. #4 Cocaine

1 seed Natural Light has been on cruise control thus far, handily defeating both philanthropy and Patagonia. 4 seed Cocaine, on the other hand, barely squeaked by public urination in the last round. I love coke’s chances here, though. I’m not sure if coke will take down the titanic Natty, but I think this matchup will be much, much closer than Natty’s previous two contests.

#11 Intramural sports vs. #2 Golf

Intramural sports is one of two Cinderellas in the 2016 Frat Bracket, alongside shower beers. They’ve got an interesting matchup in the Sweet Sixteen, though, considering there is such a thing as intramural golf. Will this crossover affect the outcome of this battle? And, if so, in whose favor? This is a fratchup™ to watch.

#9 5″ inseam shorts vs. #4 Ray-Bans

5″ inseam shorts cannot be underestimated anymore after taking down #1 Chevy Tahoes in commanding fashion. But how will they fare against another frat fashion icon in Ray-Bans? If you can predict how this one will end up, you’re a better man than I, for I am truly confounded. They’re both such staples! This is like having to choose between Kylie and Kendall Jenner — you can’t go wrong either way, but one will come out on top.

#11 Shower beers vs. #2 “You up?” texts

After defeating arch rival beer showers in the round of 32, shower beers are feeling gooooood. Good enough to take down the 2 seed, though? One that gets countless people laid, at that? No 2 seeds have fallen yet, and I’d be surprised if a 14 seed would be the one to break the mold. Anything can happen in March Fratness, though, I suppose.

#8 Beer pong vs. #4 Whiskey

Beer pong is trying to make an “I was under-seeded” statement, and has been succeeding at it thus far, taking down 1 seed fire. How will the frattest drinking game in existence fare against the frattest drink ever conceived, though? It’s the battle of shoot vs. shot. Re-rack vs. cask. Elbow fault vs. single malt. And I can’t wait for it to go down.

#3 Adderall vs. #2 Sperry Top-Sider

Wow. This matchup is what March Fratness is all about. Adderall, which stands for prioritizing partying over academics, and boat shoes, which prioritize style and the appearance of affluence over functionality (read: arch support). They’re both undeniably frat, but it’s up to you to determine which one will come out on top.

#1 Butt stuff vs. #5 Fake IDs

Can anything stop the steamrolling butt stuff? Fake IDs, the underager’s passport, have an outside shot, given their widespread usage and the fact that they’re used to illegally imbibe alcohol (which is a very frat action). But do you know what most people would probably say is more frat? Sticking your dong into a girl’s b-hole. Good luck, 5 seed.

#3 Tailgates vs. #2 Hazing

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? We’re about to find out after this matchup is over. Tailgates are one of the main reasons we all go through hazing — they represent the glory that is fraternal bacchanalia. Is hazing more frat than fall semester’s semi-weekly day drinking parties?

Bracket design by Connor Davis. Follow him on Instagram.