Summer Olympic Events Ranked From Most Watchable To Least
After the opening ceremony on August 5, we’ll be blessed with two and a half weeks of 24/7 media coverage of the games in Rio. The International Olympic Committee shuffled the regular slate of events and brought back a couple sports this year, which they seem to be doing more and more. In 2020 they’re considering adding baseball/softball, surfing, sport climbing, roller sports, and karate. Bowling, wakeboarding, squash, and wushu missed the cut. I don’t know what wushu is, either.
Let’s break down what we’ve got this year by how likely you are to watch it:
Definitely
1. Golf
Bringing golf back certainly takes the sting out of the fact that our athletes will probably die from dysentery.
2. Swimming
When it comes to the pool, Team USA is the most decorated program in the world. As if that wasn’t enough, Michael Phelps finished all of his coloring books and came out of retirement to become only the second American swimmer to compete in the Olympics five separate times.
3. Women’s Beach Volleyball
May-Walsh. You already know.
4. Table Tennis
I think being Chinese is an unfair advantage when it comes to table tennis, but hey, they put on a good show.
5. Handball
It’s like some fucked up version of four-square, I think. Love it.
6. Track and Field
I’ll be honest, the only reason I watch the track and field events is so I don’t miss someone getting hit with a javelin.
7. Gymnastics
Huge plus if you’re a guy out there with a fetish for girls slightly under 5 feet tall.
8. Shooting
9. Water Polo
Just in case someone drowns.
10. Badminton
11. Basketball
12. Diving
13. Rowing
I Mean, I Guess
14. Weightlifting
In London, Kazakhstan earned four out of their five gold medals in weightlifting. Putting all your eggs in one basket is aggressive, and I respect that.
15. Archery
16. Canoeing
17. Cycling
18. Fencing
I maintain that it would be more exciting if they fought with actual swords.
Probably Not
19. Tennis
I have the tennis channel. I’m white.
20. Synchronized swimming
Hard pass.
21. Judo / Taekwondo
You could really just watch a Steven Seagal movie instead.
22. Modern pentathlon
23. Boxing
24. Sailing
25. Triathlon
Absolutely Not
26. Wrestling
Brings back too many memories of sleeping over at my Boy Scout troop leader’s cabin.
27. Equestrian
Horses are too large of an animal to be trusted.
28. Soccer
No.
29. Field Hockey
In the words of Jay Cutler, “DDDDDOOOOOONNNNTTTTTTTT CAAAAAAARRRREEEEEEEEEEE.”.
Image via Shutterstock
I like how you started to give descriptions, and just said fuck it halfway through.
9 years ago at 9:37 amVery common practice on this website
9 years ago at 9:45 amBasketball will be a pass since we’ll just dominate the field again
9 years ago at 9:39 amI agree. Every year we send the dream team and talk about the competition and then win the medal round by like 70.
9 years ago at 10:19 amThis article was shitto
9 years ago at 9:39 amVery original comment
9 years ago at 10:40 amEven the lowest hanging fruit can be delicious
9 years ago at 12:09 pmHaving a lazy yet successful comment. TFM
9 years ago at 1:51 pmVery disappointed speed walking won’t be among the events for this Olympiad. It was one of the highlights of the Beijing games. Absolutely enthralling.
9 years ago at 9:40 amWhen Valeriy Borchin pulled ahead for that win in the 20m. Shit was a nail-biter.
9 years ago at 12:12 pmOne of the most inspirational efforts I’ve ever seen. I’ll tell my grandchildren about that one.
9 years ago at 12:39 pmI believe it’s considered a track event like the marathon is even though neither of them take place on a track. I also know you were kidding
9 years ago at 3:46 pmList of TFM’s worst “writers” readability from least to most:
1. Wally
9 years ago at 9:51 am2. Intern Cum Stain
3. shitto
4. SteveHolt
No doctor franzia?
9 years ago at 10:05 amI think it’s implied.
9 years ago at 10:12 amI forgot he existed. He would place below Smegma but above shitto.
9 years ago at 10:12 amCatalinaCoke was worse than all of those people
9 years ago at 10:43 amWally is the worst human being alive and I want to fight him.
9 years ago at 12:21 pmI’d add In Kramer Smash to round out the top 5
9 years ago at 6:12 pmKramer is far better than Franzia nowadays
9 years ago at 11:23 pmYou forgot the marathon, which is only good for getting plastered at a rate of a beer per mile covered.
9 years ago at 9:57 amBasketball should be higher. Nothing is more TFM than watching the US basketball team dominating weaker competition.
9 years ago at 10:05 amYea, but it isn’t the same without Vince Carter teabaging defenders.
9 years ago at 10:14 amWomen’s beach volleyball should definitely be number 1. It’s literally the only women’s sport that’s worth a damn and it has nothing to do with the game itself. Other women’s sports might want to take notes on how it’s done.
9 years ago at 10:14 amLingerie football league tried, but some sports just can’t make that strategy work.
9 years ago at 10:19 amLap me all you want but I don’t get the big deal about women’s beach volleyball. Idk but y’all but 40 year old women just don’t really get it going for me
9 years ago at 10:16 amFuck you, basketball is easily the most enjoyable. Watch us dominate everyone with ease
9 years ago at 10:23 am