Pokémon Porn Searches Skyrocket Because We’re All Sick People

Alex Buscemi10 years ago

This was inevitable. Every time a new pop culture trend starts, porn searches related to it are sure to follow. Guaranteed. Presidential candidate porn has been yuuuge all year. Last month it was Game of Thrones and Chewbacca MILF porn. Now it’s Pokémon porn. It’s just how our twisted brains operate, apparently. People can’t even play a video game featuring cute, little fantasy animals without thinking about fucking said cute, little fantasy animals.

From Death and Taxes:

Pokémon Go is good for the Pokémon porn industry. According to Alex Hawkins, a spokesman for the porn viewing website xHamster.com, Pokémon Go users are expressing their love for the game through their masturbation habits.

“In the last five days we have seen a giant shift in porn searches. Our top searches, which usually consist of ‘MILF,’ ‘Teen,’ and ‘Interracial’ have been replaced with ‘Pokemon,’ ‘Pikachu,’ ‘Hentai,’ and ‘Anime,’” Hawkins wrote in a press release.

Poképorn is blowing up on YouPorn, too.

I didn’t think I’d ever be asking this question, but here we are: Which Pokémon would you fuck?

Lickitung would be a solid choice:

Weepinbell’s got some DSLs:

Snorlax if you like ’em thick:

Cloyster is basically a giant vagina:

Ninetails is unattainably hot:

And Mr. Mime is the only one that looks kind of like a human (I mean, if you’re into that kinda thing):

But really, the only option here is Ditto. That pink blob of love meat is already super fuckable, and it can shape shift into any Pokémon in the world, so you’ve got all the options in one:

Okay, so I googled up some Pokémon porn for research, and I can’t stress this enough: DO NOT DO IT. I thought it was gonna be Ash giving Misty some serious pipe in the woods or some shit — you know, something I could work with — but Poképorn is absolutely horrendous. Like, Pikachu getting bukkakki’d by a bunch of big black dudes horrendous. Real childhood-ruining stuff. The people who made it should be arrested. I weep for humanity..

[via Death and Taxes]

Image via YouTube