Power Ranking Your College Professors

WJ Cope8 years ago

5. Mr. Pilkington

Everything is by the book with this guy. Everything, that is, except using the required book that you spent $250 on. Mr. Pilkington has been at this for some time, and one thing that has become apparent to him is that time dulls the senses and causes entire years to run together as one murky, gray picture. He wanted to use his professor position to conduct research and become a respected name in the sciences, but twenty-one years in front of a lecture hall have not brought him any closer.

Pilkington has photos of his children on his desk, but they were taken back in 1998 when they were young and full of life. He seldom speaks to them anymore and has a similar relationship with his pupils. The most he ever says to them is when he addresses them at the beginning of the semester about how “I don’t want anybody text messaging and Facebooking, you’re here to learn microbiology.” He doesn’t understand this generation, nor the one that came before it. Still, put in the work and you’ll get a solid B+, because Mr. Pilkington doesn’t give As.

4. Dr. Chadrakantala

“Dr. Chad,” as he likes to be referred to instead of having his name constantly butchered, will be quick to remind you that only a small fraction of people in your pre-med program will make it through this class. He does this with a smile on his face, as his encyclopedic knowledge of medicine combined with his six-figure salary have heightened his ability to smell blood.

In order to pass this class, you’re going to have to put in marathon hours at the library. Slack off in other classes, and you’ll struggle to pull a B-. Slack off in this class, and you will literally not get any answers right on the final. This is for weeding out those who aren’t dedicated, and Mr. Chadrakantala takes a special kind of pleasure in proving that. He holds the world record for making the most people cry on exam day.

3. Chet

Chet is a grad student that has found himself teaching your econ class because the actual professor recently came down with a case of being put on mandatory leave for sexually harassing a student. Truth is, Chet knows as much about macroeconomics as you do, but wears nice cardigans and uses big words. He wants to be the “cool” professor, and this shouldn’t be too hard given his ripe age of 26. However, it doesn’t work in practice.

You see, Chet was never the cool, well, anything. He buried his head in books for all his undergrad days, and woke up one day to find that he had everything he worked for, but that it had all amounted to this. His class is an easy A.

2. Mrs. Vanderpol

Mrs. Vanderpol will make you rue the day you signed up for an exercise class to get an extra three “easy” credits. Day one of the class will feature a “boot camp,” and will make you truly loathe the idea of exercise. You don’t drop the course, though, because Mrs. Vanderpol would probably find you and kick your ass. She talks about her family all the time, and it’s apparent from photos that her husband, two kids, and dog could all kick your ass as well.

Halfway through the semester, Mrs. Vanderpol will give up on correcting your shitty form, and by the end of the course you will struggle to wring out a drop of pride from your doughy physique. After all, twelve weeks of late-night drinking and cheese-stuffed breadsticks is not conducive to your ideal physical form. Mrs. Vanderpol knows this, and hates you for it. How can you not take exercise as seriously as her? No matter, you must be punished. Keep your back straight on those dumbbell curls, you whelp.

1. Matthew McConaughey

There’s no way you could have known that McConaughey would one day be teaching a class at the University of Texas. Even if you did, he’s teaching a film class. That’s not part of your major, and wouldn’t help your academic advancement in any conceivable way, but still you cry. You weep for a missed opportunity, similar to the way McConaughey wept about missing out on the lives of his children in Interstellar. After that, you sit and ponder the meaning of life, much like McConaughey in a Lincoln commercial..

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