My Ex And Her Parents Are Uncomfortably Close, And Things Got Weird When I Spent A Weekend At Their Lake House

Siblings of Mark Wahlberg9 years ago

I was a sophomore east coast transplant that thought going to “our place on the water” meant an ocean, not a lake, when I met Kara. Kara was my semi-girlfriend, meaning we consistently hooked up while I avoided the “talk” like Zika and at least tried to shelter my budding relationship from extracurricular sexual antics. The school year was ending, though, and with a trip back home on the horizon I assumed the end of our romance, at least for the months off campus. But Kara, for some inexplicable reason, seemed to like me, which had her dreading the end of the academic year and our 1,000 miles of separation.

She came up with a palatable delay to the inevitable, a long weekend to commemorate the beginning of summer freedom at her family’s vacation home. I was hesitant, since usually sophisticated parents (which I assumed hers with vacation homes must have been) can see through my thinly-veiled decency to the vice-ridden egomaniac that is the true me. But, with my father forcing me to “work” an “internship” (more on that another time) upon my return home, the all expense paid trip to what was truly a colossal home (property is so cheap in the middle of America, I guess) was worth the risk of parental disapproval, and likely awkwardness.

We made the trip together, and frankly this entire weekend of absurdity and a level of familial… lets just call it bonding, could be the fodder for a dozen columns, but I’ll stick to the pinnacle of oddity that is this particular moment. Kara and I were out on the boat alone, when I lost my sea virginity as she straddled me in the light of the sunset. It was like a fucking movie. Except without the feelings and future together. But still picturesque. She drained my main vain like it was the last source of nourishment on earth, in that moment validating (or so I thought) my decision to make the trip. It was the sort of happy ending 10,000 Asian massage parlors couldn’t match, a cherry on top of the teenage sex sundae that in my present day experience still hasn’t been matched. It was fucking magical.

We head back to the house and my worries have evaporated in my temporary period of post-orgasm clarity and bliss. Her family was setting up for dinner, so Kara and I went upstairs to get ready. She had gone in the water so she wanted to shower, I slid on my chinos and polo and made a beeline for her dad and the open bar. To my shock, he was an extremely down to earth guy. We got along well and slammed whiskey like I was back in the fraternity house.

When all of a sudden, all common decency evaporated.

Kara came down the stairs in a towel, which in its own right I found odd. When her sister’s new puppy approached her, in her excitement she bent down to pet it, and her tits escaped above the formerly wrapped towel. I gasped in fear and turned away, as I assumed her father was at least pretending I hadn’t seen her naked before, as is normal for men thinking about their “little girl.” Then he starts laughing.

“Kara, I think Siblings is a little uncomfortable,” he says.

At this point I’m so confused as to how he’s laughing I’m about to just fucking leave. Then Kara, I swear to you this is true, breaks out in near hysterics and removes the entire towel. She’s now full frontal nude in front of her father, mother, sister, and myself, all during my first ever family dinner in their home.

Kara looks at me.

“What? Like you’ve never seen me naked Siblings?” She disappears to the laundry room. As I sat there quivering in confusion, she reappeared.

“So your eyes were closed the whole time on the boat then, right Siblings? And my room?”

She laughs and walks up the stairs, vagina swinging as she walks up the stairs like a fucking clam shell. I’m trying to figure out if there’s Uber in this bum fuck town and get the fuck back to civilization and far away from the Deliverance sequel I’ve found myself stranded in. I turn to her father, terrified.

“Siblings, relax. We’re an extremely close family and think it’s totally healthy and normal you and Kara are exploring your sexuality. You like each other, you’re kids, we’re not stupid, it’s fine.”

In this moment I felt a bit of relief. Ok, that sort of makes sense, how open they are is without question insane, but they’re pragmatic. I guess. He pours me another whiskey and we sit down in front of a wall of Kara and her sister’s baby photos and accomplishments. I’m trying to make small talk like a normal person, motioning to Kara’s baby photos when he interjects:

“Yea we had a really hard time with Kara. She was premature, and actually, you’d be surprised one of the last skills you learn in utero is to suck. She couldn’t use a bottle at first, so I’d sit there with her and teach her how to fix her lips to make it work.”

At this point, I’m not thinking too much of it when he drops the hammer:

“So Siblings, you’re welcome.”

I still have nightmares..

Image via YouTube