22 First Date Locations That Will Probably Get You Some Dome Afterwards
8 years ago

first-date

So you got a date with that girl from Tinder that you hope isn’t catfishing you. You got a condom in your wallet just in case you get lucky (it’s a magnum, and it’s gonna be too big for you, you delusional piece of shit). And you’re thinking to yourself, “Where should I take this chick?!” Well, I’m here to help. Want some ideas for first date locations? I got you.

  1. Take her to the movies, see that new Kevin Hart movie (I don’t know if there’s definitely a new Kevin Hart movie out, but I’m guessing there is ’cause that fucker is in everything. I’m pretty sure he even played a fire hydrant in Batman v Superman).
  2. Take her to a comedy club. Sit in the front row to see if the comedian fucks with you guys. If she laughs, she can take a joke and she’s a keeper. If she’s not cool, then just leave and let the comedian fuck her.
  3. Don’t expect to take her to a comedy club to see Kevin Hart, though. My man is too busy filming Star Wars: Episode XLVII.
  4. Take her to Taco Bell. Don’t let her have too many burritos, though; she’ll get diarrhea, which will inevitably splatter all over you in a disgusting cartoonish manner when you boink her doggy style later.
  5. Sorry for that image.
  6. Just kidding, I’m not.
  7. Take her to a bar. Get so drunk that you can forget that she’s actually a fat dude named Carl who’s been catfishing your gullible ass.
  8. Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.
  9. Take her to a club. Show off your killer dance moves (NOTE: don’t attempt if you’re white).
  10. Take her to watch Kevin Hart film his new movie.
  11. Just kidding, jet fuel can totally melt steel beams, I don’t know how that myth started tbh.
  12. Take her to a Prince concert.
  13. Shit, never mind, I just heard some bad news.
  14. Take her a David Bowie concert instead.
  15. Shit, never mind, I just heard some more bad news.
  16. Take her to a football game and piss off white people by sitting during the national anthem.
  17. Have her come over and watch a Lord Of The Rings marathon (I heard Kevin Hart is in the 3rd one).
  18. Take her to a rest stop bathroom and doodle dicks on the stall walls together.
  19. Take her to the Disney World in Afghanistan.
  20. Take her to a theater and see a play so you guys can take a nap during it.
  21. Take her to a random man’s funeral and try to get the grieving widow to have a threesome with you.
  22. Introduce her to your girlfriend.

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  2. Dickson

    Wally I’ll say this in the kindest way possible. I fucking hate your shit fucking articles? My mind is baffled that you get paid for this, tell Grandex I’ll take your spot you unfunny goober.

    8 years ago at 9:40 am
    1. Jared Borislow

      Do you want a spot, Dickson? Write something for us. Let’s see what you got.

      8 years ago at 10:28 am
      2. Sultan Of Swat

        He banged one of those fried cheese curd eating hogs Wisconsin has to offer.

        8 years ago at 11:51 am
      6. FratthewMcConaughbangyourwife

        I’ll write something. You have to promise to post it though. No censoring

        8 years ago at 1:07 pm
      7. Theregalrattle

        Done and done I’d rather re-use a condom than re read a Wally article

        8 years ago at 1:36 pm
      8. Dickson

        Do I want a spot? No, but will I take the spot so no one has to read a Wally article again. Of course.

        8 years ago at 2:43 pm
      10. ReardenSteel

        I’ll write a vaguely racist, ‘How to succeed at Rush as a lower mid-tier fraternity’ if that’s an outstanding offer to write for the website.

        8 years ago at 7:00 pm
      11. Dickson

        Alright Jared, am I getting paid for this article I write. Want to give me a topic, or better give me and Wally the same topic and see who writes a better article. We can post both.

        8 years ago at 1:14 pm
    2. Pay your dues

      I read this as a satire of TFM’s other shitty attempts to make buzzfeed posts. If thats not what it is, my mind is also baffled.

      8 years ago at 6:29 pm
  4. TheOldMan

    23. Take her to CVS, buy a box of cheap wine, and let her watch you refill your Viagra prescription.

    8 years ago at 9:42 am
  6. Kav

    This was really painful to read. Mostly because I gouged my eyeballs out before finishing the list

    8 years ago at 9:48 am
  7. thadcastle2

    The only upside of getting fail Friday at 12 am is that I got to read it after the bar, not remember it, and then again hungover this morning

    8 years ago at 9:48 am
  8. Lord Frattenstein

    Why do you have a job? You are terrible and make the same shitty type of joke every time.

    8 years ago at 10:07 am
  10. Fuckwally

    Wally – I have suffered through many of your articles before, but this one forced me to create an account. I have to let you know how much i hate you and every single word you post on this site. Get fucked Wally.

    8 years ago at 10:08 am